Madman

Health Care

2007-01-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

Even our President says something must be done to make sure that all our citizens have health care. Please help pick from the list---or give ideas of your own.

A. Fuck the poor uninsured walmart workers---if they wanted health care they should have gone to college.

B. Convert all of the uninsured to be Christian Scientists---if they don't belief in meds--problem solved.

C. Give a tax break to encourage the poor to buy health insurance--uhh--most of them don't make enough to pay any taxes anyway. Oh well---it sounded good when Bush said it.

D. Tax the shit out of those of us who do have benefits by calling it income, and then redistribute the money so we all can be poorer. At least the doctors and insurance companies can get richer.

E. Hey---if you really think medical care is as important as national parks and the post office---move to Canada!

Abortion

2007-01-16T05:29:00.000-08:00

Before the war this was the most heated debated issue. I am guessing Bush has changed his stance on this issue---He now just delays the death for 18 or 19 years. It is now called the all voluntary army!

What should we do about abortion?

A: NOTHING! Let the little whores kill their offspring!

B: Teach the sluts to give anal and oral sex.

C: Educate all adolescence on how to use contraceptive measures.

D: Stick our heads in the sand and pray for abstinence.

E: Force the pregnant children to have their children. We still need Walmart workers.

Lobbyist

2006-12-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

Being a Lobbyist has become a very lucrative business in Washington DC. They have thrown a few in jail and are prosecuting a congressman or two---but that hasn't fixed the problem of having a government that is for sale.

So--what should we do about this problem. Pick from one of the choices:

A. Let them do as they wish. It is free enterprise at its best.

B. Limit the amount they can donate to campaigns--but continue to allow the expensive lunches and trips.

C. Make them stay in the lobby where they belong.

D. Make it illegal for the lobbyist to donate any money, any food, or any trips.

E. Make it a death penalty offense to give or take a bribe involving a government official! Kill a few Senators and lobbyists --and then the problem will go away!

Affirmative Action

2006-12-22T08:29:00.000-08:00

In the state of Texas we want to have a fair and racially balanced higher educational system. Any student graduating in the top 10% of their High School class is guaranteed admission to The University of Texas. We have had kids from predominately minority schools get in with a 3.1 GPA and a 1000 SAT score-- just because they were in the top 10%. However, kids with 3.99 GPA's and with 1550 SAT scores were turned away because they were in the top 11% of their graduating class. Is this fair?

I need help on how the "NO BS Party" should stand on this matter. Please choose one:

A. Every work place should have a racial make-up the same as its community--including the NBA.

B. We should set aside business and educational opportunities specifically for minorities.

C. No race should get preferential treatment. The world should try to be color blind.

D. There should be at least one white running back in the NFL.

E. Call the Grand Wizard and get the race war started.

The NO BS Party

2006-12-19T19:19:00.000-08:00

We have a party name "The NO BS Party" ! The democrats have the donkey, the Republicans have the elephant, and we have the BULL!
I'm pleased!

Now we have to form a platform. Over the coming weeks I will invite bloggers to give opinions on the issues of the day--from abortion to Zionists. I hope all participate.

I Am Running For President

2006-12-14T19:29:00.000-08:00

Since President Bush is now a lame-duck--I , Madman, will now actively seek my parties nomination for President. However, first I will need to name this newly formed party. I was considering "shots for tots"- but other than sounding funny --it made no since at all. My wife suggested "The No Chance in Hell Party", but it sounded rather negative.

So---I need some suggestions. PLEASE!

After we get the name thing settled I am going to contact my old friend Tom DeLay for some fund raising advice.

I Give Thanks

2006-11-23T11:38:00.001-08:00

I have known many worldly pleasures in my time. I have committed sins that were certainly worth committing again. I have had some very tender moments with the women I have loved, but there is something more dear to me than life itself.

The look of a new born son cannot be surpassed by any other moment in my life. To raise these two boys to manhood was a gift that they gave me. These two young men do not even realize how thankful I am to have them both here back home with me today. They sleep, they laugh, they complain of work and school. I just watch, listen, and be all so thankful.

I hope all of blog land can be so happy.

I Give Thanks

2006-11-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

I hope all of blog land can be so happy.

Election Day Confusion?

2006-11-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

The first time I voted it was for Jimmy Carter. That year the democrats took complete control over the Executive Branch, the House, and the Senate. They fucked up the country in a major way. Interest rates went up over 17%, many "poor folk" illegally and legally took complete advantage of the new give-away congress, and our military could not even fly a few helicopters over a desert to rescue some hostages out of a third world country. I swore I would never vote for the donkeys again.

Now I am perplexed. A fellow Texan, in the highest office, has lost all credibility by not locating the WMDs, by not firing Rumsfeld, and by hiring a lying SOB named Tony Snowjob to spin bullshit even the most naive could see through. Another fellow Texan in congress (now resigned) is facing charges for taking bribes from a lobbyist who probably owned a quarter of our Senate. Both the national debt and deficit are at record highs. Haliburton and Exxon executives (just to name two) are making billions off of tax cuts while the government is paying its bills with borrowed funds. The DOW hits record highs because of war profiteering-while the immoral assholes won't even raise the minimum wage. And there is still no exit strategy out of a poorly planned war!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "CONTRACT WITH AMERICA" THAT THE REPUBLICANS SIGNED WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

I guess it's time for me to take a look at the Libertarian Party!

I Am Sick again---Of Washington DC

2006-10-06T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have voted Republican in the last four elections---but it sickens me that the current issue in our Capital is being fought along party lines. IF any elected official knew about a sexual predator and did nothing to stop it---THEY SHOULD BE IMPRISONED -- NO EXCEPTIONS!!

These are our elected leaders! They should never be apathetic about any crime.

If you knew that a teenage boy or girl was being preyed upon by your neighbor---would you call authorities? Of course you would!

I have known victims of rape, incest, and sexual abuse---these crimes damage the soul. If we cannot trust our elected officials to set an example by preventing these atrocities---then this country has lost any righteousness it may have ever had. Our only redemption is to punish this behavior harshly! Any Republican Or Democrate who knew about this perverts actions, and did nothing to stop it, should be put behind bars. And anyone who minimizes this scandal to control political damage--- should join them there!

Maybe if a few of our Congressmen were daily victims of prison rape---then the rest wouldn't keep their mouths shut just to protect a seat!

A Request Post For Culayta

2006-09-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

Morphine is wonderful----most of the time. A nurse started my iv on Saturday and it took her four stabs before she found a vein. Most of my veins have long rolled over and died from years of living on liquids through the arm. They are supposed to change spots every three days---but seven days latter all were still afraid to attempt the impossible. The iv was never changed.

Seven days latter it was the next Saturday at three a.m., and I knew I would be checking out in 12 hours. I was hungry. I used my silver tongue to talk a pretty young aid to sneak me a pack of cookies from the vending machine. She also brought me two cups of chocolate ice-cream---just because I was "sweet."

An hour later I was in horrible pain. I asked for a shot of morphine. It had been over 8 hours since my last shot. I was hoping I wouldn't need another injection because I felt my vein almost about to blow earlier.

I asked, "Can I take it in the hip?"

I could not---only through the iv ---the doctor's orders.

I winched the minute the drug hit my blood stream. My vein popped immediately. I rolled my head to the side and asked her to push it slow. I could feel the burn painfully spread though my entire fore arm. It hurt like a bitch---but I knew I would be higher than hell in a few minutes. When the nurse left I rocked back and forth in agony for over 20 minutes. Then I heard the click.

Usually morphine lets me rest easy. I want to die with a little too much of the stuff someday--but Saturday was different. Somehow by spreading in my arm--it was a disturbing feeling. Everytime I shut my eyes I was surrounded by all my dead relatives sitting in rocking chairs. I wasn't glad to see them.

This went on for about four hours until my wife showed up. I begged her for two of my vicodins and then I slept until check out time. It was a long strange trip.

So---I am become a boorish blogger with this sick shit. Next post is about something a little different.

I'm too tired to post!

2006-09-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

I love to blog---but I am sleeping 12 hours a day and taking so many meds . I just can't seem to get enough energy to do aanything but work and sleep. Maybe I have to adjust to my new diet.

The Low Fiber Low Sugar Diet is composed of foods that are low in residue content. This diet therefore reduces fecal mass and avoids intestinal pressure. This diet is sometimes used in the treatment of chronic diarrhea, colitis and other gastrointestinal disorders, although more recently, higher fiber diets have been employed for these purposes. This diet is very useful for pre- and post-operative abdominal surgery. Eat three small meals per day and three fat-free sugarless snacks per day.
Do not increase serving sizes.

Nutrient Content
Calories: 1555
Protein: 32%
Carbohydrates: 37%
Fat: 31%
Cholesterol: 340 mg
Fiber: 17 g
Recommended:
• Refined wheat bread Rye bread
• Rolls • Crackers
• Refined pastas • Refined rice
• Potatoes • Pureed corn
• Lima beans • Refined cooked or ready-to-eat cereals

Avoid:
• Whole wheat bread • Whole wheat cereals
• Brown rice • Beans (dried)
• Green peas • Lentils
• Corn • Popcorn * Onions
• Any baked products with seeds or nuts

Also Avoid:
• Nuts • Olives • Fried foods • High-fat gravy
All Breaded Meats and Poultry

Foods to Eat
Meats should be 4 oz servings and prepared by grilling or broiling
* servings are about the size of your fist
Chicken Breast (skinless) * Hamburger Steak * Steak *
Pork Chop * 2 Breakfast Pork Chops * Three slices of Turkey *
Non-breaded fish * Poached Egg

Vegetables
Vegetable servings should be about the size of a deck of cards. Eat at least one vegetable per day but no more than two servings a day.
Any canned and cooked vegetables are acceptable. Do not eat any raw or uncooked food. Eat creamed or pureed corn only.

Dairy
Eat low fat Dairy Products when possible. Limit yourself to two servings of dairy products per day. Drink low fat 2% milk only.

Carbohydrates
Limit yourself to one serving of Carbohydrates per meal.

Snacks
Eat three small snacks per day between meals. Do not skip the snack. Eat sugarless snacks only.

Example * Sugar Free Jello * Sugar Free Popsicle * Fat Free Pretzels

Fruit
Canned or strained fruit can occasionally be used as a dessert if packed in light syrup. Do not eat fresh fruits except bananas.

Drinks
Coffee * Tea * Low Fat Milk

Use salt and sugar substitutes for seasoning. Avoid spices, pepper, and fatty dressing.

I hope to be reading and writing soon.

Sorry--I've been sick again

2006-09-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

I wasn't out of the hospital long. I just spent another week living on IV's and morphine. This time a Dietician gave me a meal plan of bland foods with no sugar or spice. I go back to work Wednesday and I hope to be blogging soon. Thanks for the thoughts.

WTF?

2006-08-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

I am not sure anyone still reads this site--but I am asking for advice. I got out of the hospital today and should be back to work Monday. They have stopped the blood from dripping out of my ass by putting me on two different steroids. OH WELL!

My question is this. My Doctors have limited my diet.

NO carps or sugars due to diabetics

NO Fresh Fruits, vegetables, or High Fiber Foods due to my Ulcerative Colitis

NO fried foods due to my high cholesterol.

NO Dairy due to my digestive problems

NO fatty meats or salt due to High Blood pressure.

NO lat night snacks due to my reflux.

SERIOUSLY---WTF am I supposed to live on---boiled chicken and baby food?

Menu plans anyone??

Was It A Dream?

2006-08-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

It must have been the morphine--it had to have been. I really thought the pain had woken me---but surely I was still sleeping. I screamed out loudly, "God !! Please just take me now! I hurt!"

I'm not a religious person---but pain sometimes makes me wish I were. I looked down towards my bare belly and saw the hallucination. It was a six inch angel dressed in white, complete with the wings, standing north of my navel. I'll be damned if she didn't look and sound exactly like Rosie Perez. She pointed at a round white ivory button that somehow was implanted in the center of my chest.

Then I heard her heavy Hispanic accent, "If you want to go-- all you have to do is push that button----BUT THINK ABOUT IT HARD-----you ain't been as good as you think you have!"
Then she vanished---leaving me alone with the button and a decision to be made. I thought about what she said. I was tempted to push away---but I decided to go back to sleep.

It seemed so real. It must have been the morphine.

BUTT FUCK---It looks like I'm going to live another decade or two. Ho-Humm.

Heaven or Hell?

2006-07-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

Ding Dong the dick is dead. Ken Lay avoided prison by having a heart attack----the pussy!! I have spoken to God and he has decided to use this blog as an instrument of determination. Ken has asked Jesus to forgive him for destroying the retirement of many---and fucking with the 401 k of countless others. Jesus has done so---but God is unsure of doing likewise. It is up to you people to determine this former Enron leaders fate. Do you vote Heaven or Hell????

She Won't Leave Me Alone

2006-06-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

My Ex-Assistant does not like the way our new girl dresses. The dress code says nothing about exposed cleavage. It says "no un-professional or inappropriate dress."

Does anyone consider big cleavage wrong on an office???
It doesn't bother me or my manager.

Barbara

2006-06-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

I was thirteen when my father made me go to the Fourth of July company picnic. I stopped liking to be with my parents a few years earlier. I have no idea why.

It was evening and everyone was waiting for the fireworks. I wandered down to the Trinity River---just to be alone. Barbara--who was also 13, must have had the same idea. She found me whittling a small stick and she sat beside me. I had known Barbara for years. We were friends. The minute she sat beside me I knew something was different between us. She had makeup and a brassiere on.

She was teasing me and I was teasing her when I dropped the small stick I had been whittling. Barbara picked it up and put it in her bra. I told her if she didn't give it back I would take it.

She dropped her hands to her side and said, " Go ahead."

A rush of overwhelming heat engulfed my entire body. I awkwardly slid my hand into her blouse, ignoring the stick, and held her small breast. We stayed in that stance for a few minutes. Then we both walked away silently. She was blushing radiantly--and I couldn't hide my excitement.

It was strange to get to second base before attempting first base. We became acquaintances instead of friends after that. My friends would have busted my chops for not going for the home run. I told no one until now.

Barbara died of breast cancer a few years back. I think of her once a year.

The Cold War Is Over

2006-06-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

My neighbor died last month and it threw me into a funk.

Six years ago I woke at dawn to the sound of cracking glass. I had fallen asleep in the Living Room--- or I might not have heard it at all. I walked to the door and noticed a hole about the size of a BB in my patio glass door. The cracks looked like rivers on a map that were still growing. About a 150 feet directly out the door I noticed my 70 year-old friend and neighbor mulling around on his deck. I stepped outside the door and met him at the fence, as we had done many times before. It would be the last time this ritual would happen.

I told him of the occurrence. The old man speculated it must have been the teenagers next door. They had a rock and roll band. I felt he knew something more. I could see it in his old eyes.

My wife had been telling me that she had been finding dead birds , and the squirrels hadn't been coming around. She regularly put out feed and seeds for both. I decided to do some intelligence work.

I arose early the next morning. I was careful not to turn on the lights or walk near any windows. I covertly stared out my back door for almost twenty minutes. The only substanace I had was a cup of coffee. Then it happened. I saw the barrel of a rifle poke out of my neighbors back door. I could see my friend taking aim at a squirrel who was nearing his tomato garden. POP! The small animal was wounded by a BB and ran off in pain.

I hurried onto my patio and angrily stared my new nemesis down. I saw terror in his eyes as he backed into his house. It was on!

I did the only thing I could do. I bought a pellet gun. I had to retaliate. The only thing he had passion for was his prized tomatoes---which just happened to grow beside our adjacent chain link fence.

The next morning I killed three of his largest tomatoes. I pumped up the air rifle to the point where the red ripe vegetables were not even fit for a salad. I had hoped he had gotten the message. He hadn't.

Dozens of times each spring I caught him taking pot shots at the animals. Each time I in turn spilled the blood of his innocent plants. A couple of times he tried to put up barriers or shields----but I only sneaked down to my storage shed and flanked the red round targets with sniper fire. I was relentless.

Last month my foe died of complications from both diabetes and ulcerative colitis---diseases we shared. It threw me into a funk. I wondered why I was so upset---was it guilt? Would I miss him? NO .

Spring will not be the same. There are only a few things I look forward to in my life. One being the start of football season and another is Easter on the beach with my family. I also looked forward to seeing those green tomatoes growing into great big casualties of war.

You will be in my thoughts neighbor. You were an excellent nemesis.

The Flag Amendment

2006-06-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

Now it's not that I don't love the flag---but aren't there more important things to do? This administration is so worried about fags bumping dick heads and commie radicals burning flags--they aren't working on the real problems-- like the price of gas, global warming, health care cost, prescription drugs, THE KOREANS, 11 million illegal aliens, AMERICAN OBESITY, keeping drugs like viox off the market, lobbyist bribing congress, securing Social Security and Medicare, and having an exit strategy fron Iraq!

After fixing these problems---then by all means, pass the fuckin 28th amendment if it floats your boat!

She Didn't Lie

2006-05-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

After a week of scans and blood tests----today was the day for the bladder scope. The nurse told me to disrobe from the waist down. After doing so I realized that women look sexy when all they have on is a man's shirt. I looked ridiculous!

I was told to cover myself with the large paper towel they gave me and to lie on the bed covered with pads. I did so for about ten minutes. My pecker was shrinking about a 1/2 inch a minute from fear. That is when the old nurse walked in and pulled the terry-cloth from my manhood.

She yanked a hold of my pecker and announced loudly, "This is going to hurt!" She didn't lie!

I let out a scream.

She said, "Un-clinch your rectum muscles and it won't hurt as much."

I tried to do so. After a long moment the pain subsided. I asked, "Is it over?"

She laughed and said, "All I did was insert the pain killer with a cotton swap. The Doctor will be in in a minute."

OH SHIT!

The Doctor pulled out a gun with a 1/4 inch diameter twenty inch long barrel. I realized that was what he was going to insert into my piss hole. I was worried about the first eight inches.

"This will not be pleasant." He said. It wasn't.

I was laying their in pain and he announced, "Now this is going to be the painful part."

I let out an involuntary scream. The gun was filling me up with distilled water. I begged him to stop. The torture continued for another minute or two. Then the 1/4 rod finally came out painfully.

The Doctor pointed at a potty chair in the corner and told me to empty my bladder. It was like pissing razor blades. A solid red stream filled the plastic tank.

"Is this normal?" I asked.

"Yep" he said, "The good news it's not bladder cancer---the bad news is we still don't know what it is. We'll have to do more tests."

These fuckers are cruel. I'm still pissing razors and blood tonight.

Thanks for the thoughts though. Joke amongest yourselves until I'm back.

Give Me Some Advice---Please!

2006-04-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my absence. I have been rather ill. You see-----I have some chronic illnesses. I have been wallowing in self-pity today. I know I shouldn’t----but WTF. I should be happy that I am not terminally ill and just chronically ill. Sometimes I think at least the terminal patients know an end to their pain is in sight. I may sound like I am looking for pity----maybe I am. However, I am asking for advice tonight. Here is my dilemma:
Following are the meds I take daily:

1 injection of slow insulin at night to keep my sugar down
3 injections of insulin --one before each meal
4 injections of some bullshit that is supposed to help my body produce more insulin
1 pill to keep my blood pressure down
1 pill to keep my cholesterol down
1 pill to keep my blood thin
9 pills to keep the ulcerative colitis sores in my colon from bleeding
1 pill to keep me from shitting myself
1 pill to keep me from pissing myself
1 steroid pill to keep me strong
4 vicodins to keep the pain in my back from making me scream
2 pills to keep the neuropathy at bay---just so my feet won’t feel like they are in a vice
1 pill to keep me from drowning in my own stomach acid (which almost happened twice)
1 suppository to enable me to hold down the pills—without it the nausea is unreal

I have a primary care doctor, a gastoroligist, a cardiologist, a pulmonary specialist, an endocrinologist, an urineoligist, an orthopedic specialist, an optometrist, and a dentist who all fight over my money each month. I use two thirds of my month of vacation time seeing these folks. They all want to see me anywhere from one to four times a year. My co-pay is $25.00 on doctor visits and $40.00 on generic prescriptions and $80.00 on non-generic. I can’t go to the drive-in-widow—the meds won’t fit. The pharmacist acts like I’m a meth user when I pick up 300 syringes a month.

I have to pay 20% of each procedure----which there are many.
Over the last three years I have had cameras up my ass and down my throat. I have been cat scanned, MRIed, and had barium squirted up my ass. I have been injected with radioactive iodine. I have been forced to drink chalk and put on a table that literally shook me so my stomach would be coated. I have had my balls fondled and countless doctors have molested me by sticking their greased fingers up my ass.

I have constant severe cramps and the shits. The prednisone makes me eat like a pig while the doctors tell me the extra weight is killing me. My back, my feet, and my legs are in constant pain. I am getting worse----not better.

Monday I was told I was pissing blood. Now they want to stick a tiny camera up the hole in my penis so they can look at my bladder. They will give me a local----but they won’t sedate me. My insurance doesn’t think it necessary.

My question is, when is enough -----------enough? When it is more dignified and humane to stop with the meds and just let nature take its course?

I know there are patients far worse off than I. I am able to work and able to enjoy moments of life. SO----I will take the test. I will suffer the humiliation of wearing the backless gown and having the nurses and the doctor torture my poor penis. I just don’t know how much more of this shit I will choose to endure.

FUBAR!!

2006-04-19T19:58:00.000-07:00

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Someone help this poor Bastard. He emailed me for advice and I can't understand a fucking word he wrote!!!

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Stinkin' Marriage

2006-04-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

MADMAN

I dated my wife for three years before we married and she never farted in front of me. Now she rips them off like she is trying to win a contest. Is this normal?

Whiffer

Dear Whiffer

Yes it is normal----FOR SHEEP HERDERS OR ESKIMOS! Women ain't supposed to fart around their men. I have been trying to explain this to my wife for the last 22 years. OH---by the way---she's an Eskimo.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Gone To The Beach

2006-04-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

Will be back next Wednesday

Engagement Time

2006-04-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

MM

I am thinking of proposing to my girlfriend. How can I be sure she is the right one?

Unsure

Dear Unsure

Well---I can't really tell you if she is the right one. However, I can give you five warning signs if she is the wrong one:

1. If she goes through your wallet while you are having sex.
2. If she was ever crowned Miss. PMS.
3. If she gets calls late at night that start with, "Hello--I got this number above the urinal..."
4. If she ever laughs and tells you, "you ain't gotta use a rubber---you couldn't give me anything I ain't already got!"
5. If she tells you your cock tastes sweeter than your brother's...

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

A Thief In The Night??

2006-04-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Madman:

Some neighbors down the street have hung little robots (or Wizard of Oz Tinmen as a friend pointed out) on the tree in their front yard. My inner (delinquent) child wants to sneak down there one night and steal them. What the fuck should I do?

juvenile

Dear juvenile,

After seeing the picture, I realize why someone invented "Home Owners Associations." If you steal those robots I am certain someone's wife will thank you. So---Go For It! Err---but don't rat on me--I might get charged with conspiracy for giving this advice.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Howard Stern And A Free Ride

2006-04-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

Madman,
My boss bought on of those portable satellite radios. Every morning he brings it in and forces the entire office to listen to Howard Stern. Do you think I could make money by suing my company for being forced to listen to that vulgarity?

Peeved

Dear Peeved,

I am surprised you can even hear Howard's broadcast. The sound must be very muffled with your head so far up your ass! Why should you get free money just because you don't like a radio show!? I do have a suggestion that will help your situation. A frontal lobotomy would calm your ass down--you don't seem to be using your brain anyway.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Traveling Man

2006-04-05T18:01:00.000-07:00

MM,

I have another vacation coming up the end of September. I will have 15 days to go anywhere in the world. (except the US or it's territories for tax purposes) I've already been to England, Ireland, Wales, Egypt, South Africa, Thailand, and the U.A.E. Where do you think I should go on my next vacation? (Budget is around $6,500 US)

Signed,

Rich Traveler

Dear Rich Traveler,

I think a wholesome country would be appropriate for a young man like yourself. The place where the 4H Club first appeared would be good. Amsterdam is home of Hookers, Heroin, Hashish, and good Hootch. Have fun my friend--and enjoy the Red Light District! With $6500.00 you can have some Fucking Fun and a High Old Time.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Jack Meoff

2006-04-04T16:49:00.000-07:00

Madman,
I am a 63 year old married man who still likes to masturbate. Is that normal?

Pulling the Old Pud

Dear PP,

Hell--I don't guess that's a problem. It ain't illegal---YET! There is a spin-off group from the pro-life folks called SIS (Sperm is Sacred) that intends to lobby congress to protect the life of all ejaculatory secretions. SIS says that Billions of sperm die each day without even having the chance of making it up the tunnel--the Good Book says this is a sin. SO-- these people are not happy with just gaining control of the female fertilized egg---they want to make it illegal for a man to spill his seed.

So whack off while you still can---big brother may be monitoring your used tissue soon.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Ice Man Cometh

2006-04-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

Hey Madman,

I know this in not the kind of advise request you normally answer to, but:

The fan in my external harddrive does not work. So I keep the drive in an icebucket to keep it cool, but not sure if this is wise? I don't want to spend more money on another drive. What should I do?

Star Techie

Dear Star Techie,

I think you may have far more problems other than just with your Hard-Drive. Freud would say that icing down this component was a way to subconsciously incapacitate your sex Drive. Not wanting to replace it is avoiding the fact that your Libido is diminishing.

However, I think you should be concerned you are a cheap ass who might fry his own balls during an avoidable electrocution. Just a thought though.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Easy

2006-03-30T17:05:00.000-08:00

Madman,
I need your opinion. Do you think that if a person is a nympho that automatically makes her a whore? I am always horny. I could have sex at any given moment. I am always thinking about sex. I can turn anything into something sexual, a situation, an innocent comment, anything. Do you think I have a problem and should seek sex therapy? Do you think my therapist would bang me?
Need it Now

Dear Needs it Now,

Of couse you are not a whore----you are a slut. Whores get paid. That being said---some of my best friends are sluts. As far as sex therapy----no way! YES--You are a sick puppy---but why would you cure a disease where the symptoms feel so damn good?

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Thanks Sista!

2006-03-29T17:27:00.000-08:00

Madman,

I am a 19 yearold girl who lives in a small Texas town. My older sister has had sex with every boy who has ever asked her out since she was 13. All the boys think I am the same just because we are sisters. Should I say something to my sister?

Good Sister

Dear Good Sister,
Yes--you should thank her, because you will never have to fill out one of those free match.com profiles. You can get all the dates you want--and you didn't even have to swallow in the back seat of a mini-van. Your sister has a problem---have her email me her phone number so I can counsel her privately.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Band of Blubber!

2006-03-28T15:46:00.000-08:00

Madman,

My friend is wanting to have the lap band surgery, or gastric bypass. She is not morbidly obese. I think she is border line. She could exercise and watch what she eats to loose weight and get back in shape. She has a knack for taking the easy way out. I keep telling her that this is not a cure all and she will stil have to excercise and eat healthy, you can't just get it done and still sit around and scarf. She really wants my support on this.What should I do?
Friend of a lazy ass

Dear Friend of Lazy ASS

I would buy her a feather and teach her to stick it down her throat. She needs to become Bulimic--either way she will have a eating disorder. At least this way she will be skinny without having surgery.

Madman

Madman's Advice Blog

Duhhhh!!!

2006-03-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Madman,

What gives an arrogant asshole the right to give advice?

pissed

Dear Pissed,

I assume you are speaking of Dr. Phil. I think he has a PHD.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

The Stork????

2006-03-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

MM

Where do babies come from?

I mean REALLY come from...

Curious Yellow

Dear Curious Yellow,

I don't think I will answer this question. I will leave it up to other Bloggers to inform you of your origin. I screwed this same question up just last weekend at home.

My wife was babysitting our four-year-old grandson, while I was watching March Madness. The boy walked into the room with me and asked,

"Popi--where did I come from?"

"Well" I replied, "Your Dad bought you in Mexico for five dollars. Now go and find your Grandma."

Thursday this young boy's father told him to go to his room for misbehaving. The Child yelled at his DAD, at the top of his young lungs, "I hate you--I'm going to Mexico to find my real parents and live with them!!"

True Story. I got BUSTED!

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Sexist Pig?

2006-03-23T16:47:00.000-08:00

Mr. Madman,

Let me start by saying I am not a sexist and I love my job. But my new boss is a crazy woman. She gets hysterical and screams at least three times a day. Then ten minutes latter she acts like nothing has happened. She is driving us all crazy. How can I calm this bitch down?

Going Nuts

Dear Going Nuts,

This is why women don't even like working for women. They let emotions build up and drive themselves fucking crazy. Only an orgasm can ease this stress and make them sane again. Doctors in the 1800's knew this---and the physicians would use a hand-cranked vibrator to set the tense females right again. You are going to have to take one for the team and fuck her--just do it right and do it often. Only then will you have peace in the office.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Get a Cue

2006-03-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

Madman

I am about five foot four and weigh about 200 pounds. My wife has always told me that my being a little overweight doesn’t bother her. About two years ago I started loosing my hair and I started using over the counter meds to stop it, but it hasn’t helped. My wife hasn’t said that it bothers her, but she hasn’t said it doesn’t bother her either. Don’t you think that a woman would be a little superficial if a baldhead disturbs her after 12 years of marriage?

Worried Head

Dear Worried Head,

Dude---it is OK to be short and fat. It is Ok to be fat and bald. It is Ok to be short and bald. However—it ain’t OK to be short, fat, and bald! That is the triple deal killer! She will be laughed at by all of her old friends at her 20th High School reunion if this stands as is. A hair transplant is cheaper than a divorce. Invest in your head!

Madman
Madman’s Advice Blog

Neither a Lender Be

2006-03-21T15:58:00.000-08:00

Mr. Madman
I am a midle-age single female. Until recently I have always struggled with money. A few months ago I inherited $50,000.00. I paid off my house and all my credit card bills and I have a little left over. Now an unemployed girlfriend of mine wants to borrow $1200.00 to fix her car. I don't want to. Am I being stingy Madman?

Dont Wanna

Dear Don't Want to,

Is she fucking nuts?!? If she doesn't have a job then she doesn't need a car to make it to the mail box to pick up her check. Not even a tote-the-note used car lot in Compton would sale her a broken down Yugo. People---You need to have an income to borrow money .

I am very knowledgeable with the scriptures. I will quote a passage that may apply, and also offer you some guidance:

Psalms 32 verse 12

"You be a stupid biatch if ya front that Ho da doe"

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

F-ing Crazy!

2006-03-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

MM

-I have a very good friend who has been dating this guy for 2-3 years. They break up and get back together every 3-4 months. He'll profess his love for her and say they should get married and then dump her the next week. This last break up was really bad, he said some insulting things and said they were only together because it was comfortable, not love. He is now saying that he wants to reconsile, get married, and that they should go to couples counseling - they're not even married! She wants to know what I think, I think they are retarded, what do you think?

Biting my tongue.

Dear Biting my tounge,

I think he is a big pussy! Pre-Marital couples counseling was something Oprah made up to mentally castrate the American male. There are only three reasons a man should want psychiatric help.

1. If he is pleading insanity for killing his girlfriend.

2. If he thinks God REALLY talks to him.

3. To get in a sex addict group so he can score some quick and easy ass!

Other than those reasons----he should take drugs like the rest of us. Tell her to dump him!

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Totally Un-Invited

2006-03-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

Madman,

My wife has a girlfriend who is constantly coming over uninvited. I am tired of having to always feed and entertain this chick. My wife asks me not to be rude. How would you handle this Madman?

Three's not Company

Dear Three is Not Company

OK. Tell your wife this girl tried to sleep with you. She will confront her friend and the truth will be told. Here is the tricky part. Reply the following verbatim and with a straight face: 'Who are you going to believe Darlin'---the man who married you or a whore who tried to fuck your husband?'

She won't be coming around anymore!

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

Mrs. Roper

2006-03-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

MM,

There are always articles and surveys stating that men think about sex every15 seconds, or something craxy like that. Yet, when I ask my husband for sex, it's always some lame excuse after another. I've tried waiting 15 seconds and asking again, this never seems to work. I just want to know who the hell they are polling and where the hell are they?

Hot and Horny

Dear Hot and Horny,

The psychologists are right---your Husband is thinking of sex every 15 seconds. He's just not thinking of it with you. Have you considered one of those makeover thingies?

However, if you must have more sex to save your marriage---I'm sure we have some bloggers who will volunteer---just to keep you two together of course.

Madman
Madman's Advice Blog

The Right To Re-Produce??

2006-03-16T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hey Madman!
Got a question for ya. Is it considered a civic duty to step up and intervene when 2 completely dysfunctional people are deciding to procreate? Eventually my tax dollars will go to these pathetic beings, so, is it my right to protect those tax dollars wherever I possibly can? And, no, there is no relation to either party involved.

Mrs. U.S.A. Citizen

Dear Mrs. USA Citizen,

I am thinking you are a bit self-centered--OR you have never watched the show on the Discovery Channel called "Dirty Jobs Only Dysfunctional Retards Would Take." One guys job was to actually taste raw-sewage before, and after, it was treated---just to see if all the shit taste was gone. So--We need these people. I realize a few of these big-foreheaded off-spring sometimes take government handouts---but 40% of these pea-brains actually are persuaded to vote Republican! NO SHIT!

Madman

Short Cummings

2006-03-15T16:12:00.000-08:00

Hello Madman,

I have been dating a great guy for about six weeks. I am thinking about breaking off the relationship. I know some women say that "size doesn't matter", but this man has a very tiny penis, and I want more. Do you think I am shallow for thinking this way?

Needs More

Dear Needs More,

I wouldn't say shallow---more like very deep! However, I know nothing about having a little pecker. So--I asked a female friend for some input. She said, "Any woman who says 'size doesn't matter'--has a husband with a small dick!" The consensus is-if it ain't enough now, it won't ever be enough! Dump him--and if he gives you any shit, tell all his friends how many inches he has hanging.

Madman

To Be DG--Or Not To Be DG!

2006-03-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

Madman the knower of the known,

I work in a company with mostly all guys. Today, a female came over to ask my opinion about something. What I didn't notice was that 1/2 of my breast was hanging out in the front. I have failry large ones, and I was wearing a low cut V-neck. A male co-worker told me about it later, and we're sure that the guy across from me saw it as well. I'm not really worried about what the guys thought about it though, just the what woman though about it. (And I'm wondering why she didn't say anything. What do you think I should do? Wear turtlenecks?

I know what you ex-assistant thinks of BN, but I don't want to be BN! (or DG!)

fearful of Your Reply

Dear fearful of Your Reply,

A tit popping out on the Red Carpet is a money shot. A boob dangling at work can be another story. However, since you work with mostly hard-swinging-dicks this could work to your advantage. The test to see if you should start wearing turtle necks is: Look close at your nipples----if you have those unsightly ugly bumps surrounding them, it is time to go conservative. Pretty smooth pink ones means a raise is on the way!!!

Madman

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

2006-03-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

Madman, king of all answers...

When men use the restroom, they wash their hands after they shake the dew off the lily. I would think men would want to wash their hands BEFORE they touch their precious tool of love, that way everything is nice and sparkling clean. What says you?

Mrs. Clean.

Dear Mrs. Clean,

I say that would be a bit redundant---that's what Blow-Jobs are for.

Madman

A Friend In Need????

2006-03-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

Madman

I do not know what to do. I have a very good friend who is always asking to
see my breasts. His argument is always the same, "What could it hurt?". I
guess nothing, but won't this effect our friendship? I mean first it's
"Show me your breasts", then it's "I'll only put it in for a minute!". What
should I do? Show the girls or not?

Blushing Breasts

Dear Blushing Breasts,

I cannot believe that you even asked this question! I think you know the right thing to do. How could you deny a "good friend" such an easy favor? You are despicable!!!!!

Madman

Where's Granny

2006-03-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

Madman,

What happened to the days when Grandparents loved to watch the Grandkids? My Husband and I deserve a night out now and then. My Mom won't watch her own Grandchildren! She must have never heard that it takes a village to raise a child. What should I tell her?

Needs a break today

Dear needs a break today

Was your Mother there when your husband squirted the sperm into you? If the answer is no--then leave the old lady alone. It doesn't take a village---it takes two parents to stay at home ,not getting blasted, and not being unfaithfull, to raise a kid. People deserve what they can afford. If you can't afford a babysitter--- then stay the fuck at home with your brat!

Madman

Crotch Itch

2006-03-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

Madman

Why do people call them crabs? I prefer "Schlong Lice" . Is this an appropriate description? I don't wanna look foolish if I refer to them incorrectly.

A steamy heap of thanks!
A Female Lost for the Right Words

Dear Lost for the Right Words

I think the word "Schlong" should not be used when describing these bugs. I have been to the Walgreen's and have seen two full isles of pussy products. Creams, ointments, sprays, pads, and other products are sold to keep the vagina clean and smelling pretty. The only male product sold, condoms, are made to protect the penis from the tunnel of love. I think a better nickname would be "pussy pests" or "clit critters." I am sure other bloggers will have some thoughts.

Madman

Up or Down?

2006-03-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

Madman,

My girlfriend is constantly bitching because I always leave the toilet seat up after I use her bathroom. What should I tell her?

Needs a Urinal

Dear Needs a Urinal,

You ain't gonna win this one. It happened to me and I gave in. Go ahead and promise her you will always leave it down, but also tell her you're going to dump her if she starts whinning about the piss on her ass!

Madman

Consolation Titles

2006-03-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

Rachael--MS. Blogger 2006

Whistler + RLB---Ms. Best two-some

My Ex-Assistant---Ms. Luckiest-Lady-to work with Madman

C-U-LAY-TA---Ms. Best Hustler

Jungle Jane--Ms. Best tattoo+ piercing

Y--Ms. Most likely to grow up to be a porn star

Rae Ann--Ms. Best Constitution

Kat--Ms. Most likely not to give head

Eatmisery--Ms. Best Demi Moore impression

Roximoon--Ms. Most likely to meet at a sex addict meeting

ROCKANDCHAIRS--Ms. Fruity

SAM--Ms. Best Pussy Picture

Melissa--Ms. Scoopy Friend

Boobless Brigade Master--Ms. First Bald Woman Madman Developed a Crush on!

Shannon--Ms. Candy Stripper

Chackler--Ms. Most likely to leave her husband for Popeye

Alana--Ms. Disqualified

Josh Williams--Mr. Disqualified

And The Winner Is....

2006-03-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

Rachael ! Rachael!

Congratulations to Rachael--she is MS. Blogger 2006!!!
And thanks to all the contestants and voters for participating.
Following are the duties to be performed by MS. Blogger 2006:

1. You must post on the index of your blog the following:
"Winner of the 2006 Ms. Blogger Contest"

2. You must post a lengthy and boring acceptance speech thanking me, God, and everyone who ever helped you do anything!

3. Next January you must host the 2007 MS. Blogger contest and pass the crown to the next blogger beauty.

Consolation titles will be handed out latter!

The Contest is Over!!!

2006-03-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry Alana---it was pointed out to me that rule number one stated:

1. Send a picture along with the name of you and your blog address to

Since you have no blog address you are not eligible--but you are pretty!

The crowning of MS Blogger 2006 will take place later tonight!
Any votes cast after 9:30 am central time will not count!

My advice blog will begin Tuesday!

Thank you to all who participated in this contest.

Alana

2006-03-05T22:54:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of re-inventing the old blog. I figured I'd try to enter, even though I don't have a blog @ this exact moment, I do have a profile. :-) So here's my pic. It's from this past Christmas @ El presidente's Million Dollar Mansion. (if you notice, I'm sitting in>front of the liquor table...)

No Blog but she still could be MS BLOGGER 2006---if ya leave some comments!!

Chackler The Sailor

2006-03-03T23:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here's my picture. Please note that I am not the one with the beard! LOL! This was taken a couple of years ago, as noted by the date stamp in the upper right hand corner of the picture. So if you think the votes are going to be bad, don't post my pic, what I don't know - won't hurt me. LOL (kind of!)

http://chacklersdreamjournal.blogspot.com/

If you think this lovely lady should be MS. BLOGGER 2006---then leave a comment!

Nurse Shannon

2006-03-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

Did I see something about needing a bio?Hell what do you write in that sort of thing?Yes I'm gingerhaired and no I don't feel the need to prove it?Fresh graduate from Nursing School and yes, I got the cap and stockings to prove it?I just dunno how these things go!

http://smkelsey.blogspot.com/

If you would like Shannon to nurse you--and you think she is MS. BLOGGER 2006 --then leave a comment!

Boobless Brigade Master

2006-02-25T19:00:00.000-08:00

The Boobless Brigade Master

I'm entering my daughter's favorite picture. Yes, I'm aware of the fact that the dog has more hair than I do. That's why it's her favorite. Bet you've never had a bald gal enter this contest! This picture was taken on a good day. I've probably had a total of 4 good days since July of 2005. Wigs are expensive and I've heard that they make your head itch. Seems like everybody I know has bought me a hat, I've got quite the collection going now. I can confirm that some people make really ugly hats. A tiara, however...can't say I own one of those!

Hmmm...a short bio...I am the owner/operator of the Home For Wayward Animals.The only thing that I hate more than stupid people, is stupid people that think I'm stupid. Like insurance company customer service call takers. And politicians. And a select few family members.

Leave a comment if this is MS. BLOGGER 2006!

Announcements

2006-02-25T15:14:00.000-08:00

There are four contestants left in this contest. I have had some additional entries--butt fuck---this has to end soon. Very sorry if your entry was late or went to junk mail.

Also, Josh Williams has been disqualified and I will not be posting that picture. It turns out Josh is not a 420 pound naked lady eating a doughnut. This incident has tarnished the integrity of this contest--but we shall proceed the best we can.

To all of you who have written letters and are waiting for advice on my new blog---please be patient. I shall answer them all ASAP! The title of my blog will change immediately after crowning MS. BLOGGER 2006!

Madman

Sweet Melissa

2006-02-23T19:32:00.000-08:00

I cant believe I'm entering myself in this thing, its probably from the sugar high from all the Valentine's Day candies I've ingested throughout the day. I'm sure I have other pictures but for some reason I like that one the best - its from 2000. Although I might be able to find the one where I dressed up as Velma from Scooby Doo for Halloween.

Bio? I guess I should write something witty that will get me the most comments...hmmm...ya, I cant think of anything so I'll let the Madman go at it.

Excuse us while Melissa and I have a go at it!

If you think that Melissa is MS. BLOGGER 2006--err--leave a comment and have a go also

http://myrantsravesandramblings.blogspot.com

SAM

2006-02-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

My bio, modeled after Playboy's data sheets:

Name: Sam

Bust: 34B

Waist: Trim

Hips: Shapely

Height: 5'3"

Weight: 117

Birthdate: February 26, 1974

Birthplace: San Diego, California

Ambitions: To entertain the masses with Sam's Stories while pursuing my dream of becoming Ron Jeremy's mistress. I also wish to become Madman's campaign manager, utilizing my connections in the porn industry to achieve his presidential goals.

Turn-ons: Short, fat hairy men with substance abuse problems and no respect for women, children or animals

Turn-offs: Good hygiene, intelligence, and a sense of humor.

I hope this will be sufficient!

Sam

If you think SAM is MS.BLOGGER 2006---leave a comment or two!

ROCKANDCHAIRS NOT SUCKING

2006-02-19T17:03:00.000-08:00

There you have it, the picture you won't leave me alone about. Its nothing special. In case you're wondering...That's an orange and not a lemon. For some reason people think its a lemon. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me to go suck a lemon, I WON'T!!! I'm not particularly a big fan of oranges, I have a thing about how they make your hands smell like oranges no matter how many times you wash them. But I enjoy one once in awhile. I have a few hobbies like everyone else I suppose but nothing interesting, all in all i'd say I'm a pretty boring person. So there you have it, now you all know what I look like, if you even cared to begin with. I find it interesting that WE don't get to see what YOU look like MadMan!!!

If you think ROCKANDCHAIRS should be MS. BLOGGER 2006--then leave a comment!

Roximoon Is a Nympho!!!!!

2006-02-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

Like cars, work for a cellular store with a marine, drink more then he does,can kick your ass cause I am certified in 2 states to do one man restraints, going to school to be a crime scene photographer... I am a nympho!

If you want Roximoon to be MS. BLOGGER 2006---please leave a comment!!

SHIT!!

2006-02-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

I have been involved in too many blog wars---one that almost cost me my job. I believe in freedom of speech--but I also believe in being civil. This bullshit is just all in fun. I would consider it a personal favor if the negative comments would stop from all sides. I'm too old and un-healthy to have to worry about blogs.

Eatmisery With Child

2006-02-15T15:33:00.000-08:00

Demi more did this---right?????

Here is my picture and bio. I'll keep it short. My name is Eatmisery and I'm 34. I teach English to eighth-graders in one of the largest public school systems in the country. I have a two-year-old Chocolate Labrador, a son who just turned one year old the other day, and I'm expecting another baby in about eleven weeks. Oh, yeah...and I am THE hottest pregnant woman out there. Period. Heh...

Vote by leaving a comment if you want Eatmisery to be MS. BLOGGER 2006.

Kat

2006-02-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

Here is my entry. I have used it once for Half-nekkid-thursday, I hope thatis ok.This picture was taken December 2005. I'm afraid I don't have a short cornybio, and world peace would put my husband out of work. But a picture isworth a thousand words. ;)--Kat http://reflectionsofkat.blogspot.com/

I had too see this twice. Comment if this is MS Blooger 2006!!!

Rachael Rachael

2006-02-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

Rachael did not send a picture-- but she did send a bio. I snatched the picture out of cyber-space.

I am 33 with three kids. I have been marrried for 8 years. There isn't a lot I haven't done, and I am still going strong. People describe me as "wild," "off the hook," and "hilarious." My flirtatious nature makes men lose their heads, and I am often propositioned. I eat this up. I am a tease... a dirty rotten tease, but people don't seem to mind. I am a party-girl and a hell of a lot of fun, but with the smarts to avoid any real trouble. If chosen, I vow to continue doing what I do best: writing, partying, and making fun of other people. I do my best to make the world a better place by dancing with the guy that no one will dance with... listening to the old drunk guy when everyone else is sick of his stories, and saving motherless kittens.

Plus, I caught on fire, man! People who catch on fire should win things! Rock on!

As Always.... Rachael

If you think she is to be MS. Blogger 2006----then leave a comment!

Darlin' Rae Ann

2006-02-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

Rae-Ann sent me a picture but no bio--WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! Madman shall write the bio:

Rae-Ann would argue with the Pope about birth control. She would have no chance of changing his mind--butt fuck--she would still argue. I do enjoy reading her blogg---even though she pisses me off. We do agree that Led Zepplin rocks, and that no person ever over-dosed on marijuana.

If you believe that Rae-Ann should be MS. BLOGGER 2006---leave a comment. If she wins it will be a stepping stone to the Supreme Court.

OH---I think she has a crush on me!

Why Y

2006-02-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

This is Y's Worlds short bio:

This pic was taken a couple years ago by my bestest buddy Ney, on a plane back home from a 3 day throw down at the Oz Fest. I think I should win, because if you look very carefully you will see a pubic hair in between my two front teeth. We brought food on board that we had purchased at the airport and this was my free gift with purchase. I would like world peace & all, but full body hair nets, worn by all who serve food to the public would be nice >too.>Sorry it took so long, I had to find the one that was most flattering.

If Y meets your criteria foe MS. BLOGGER 2006----then please leave a comment!

Jungle Jane

2006-02-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of me on new year a few weeks back. Notice the wife-beater suntan I am sporting. Makes you wonder why I bothered with the prettyfrock.My bio:

Jungle Jane was born in Africa and now lives in Australia. She has a singing voice that breaks glasses and an accent that will make you weep. She is the only known 40 year that can still do the splits. Her greatest gift is that she can down a beer in under 4 seconds. Proof of this feat will be posted on her blog shortly. Jungle Jane would like to enter the Most Piercings and Tattoos section of the competition. url: http://jjjane.blogspot.com/

Now if you think Jane should be MS BLOGGER 2006---leave a comment!

See Ya Latter or C-U-LAY-TA

2006-02-03T17:34:00.000-08:00

Culayta is one of my favorite Bloggers. She always has a kind word to say. Following is her Bio:

30ish, VIRGINian.Pool shark, loves aerosmith and motley crue(OK, so I am a little fond of the 80's)CULAYTA www.culaytainva.blogspot.com

Please vote by leaving a commnet for MS. BLOGGER 2006

My Ex-Assistant

2006-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

My Ex-Assistant told me that I have known her for over seven yesrs --AND I, Madman, should write her bio. So--just pretend this is my Ex-Assistant talking:

I am married and have three kids---but all I can do is think of Madman. I love my job---because Madman is my boss. My motto is 'what's good for Madman is good for the world.' Please vote for me so Madman will notice me. Madman ---PLEASE VOTE FOR ME!! Oh--and I want World Peace!

So--I think I read her pretty well. She has never said these things---but I am sure she thinks them daily. If you think this is MS. Blogger 2006---make a comment.

Whistler and RLB

2006-01-31T12:58:00.000-08:00

On behalf of Two Girls and a Guy, we are representing ourselves as one! We are wild, redneck women who love to raise hell. Reared in the panhandle of TX, our hobbies include; frolicking through corn and cotton fields, tossing cow patties, breaking wild horses, hitting the dirt roads with whiskey and Hank, and the occasional "roll in the hay". Vote Country!!

If you think these two deserve to be MS. Blogger 2006----then leave a comment!

Another Change Is Coming

2006-01-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

First---Please email your pics for the Blogger Beauty Contest if you haven't already. Thank you for those of you who have already done so.

Recently a newly weded warehouseman asked for some advice from me. This seems to happen all the time. I guess I just put out that wise and fatherly vibe. This is how the conversation went:

WM: My wife just doesn't seem to enjoy sex. I want to make her happy---but she just won't tell me what she likes.

ME: Well---it's important that you get her to open up now---these kind of things can lead to trouble. I ,of course, have never had this kind of trouble, but this is what you need to do. Get her roaring drunk where her inhibitions are way down. Fuck her short and quick. Roll off her mean like and tell her 'you sure are a lousy lay---and damn you could sure benefit from some of those pussy exercises.' Now at that point I promise you she'll tell you all the things you're doing wrong in the sack. She might even tell you about your little dick---but at least you'll know where you stand.

Well---after saving that marriage--I have decided to share my wisdom with the world. Right after the Blogger Beauty Contest, the name of my blog will change to "Madman's Advice Blog" . The url will remain the same. So if anyone needs help---I'm here for you dudes or dudettes! Just email your problems to madmaniscrazy@hotmail.com . If I can't help--I'll make some shit up!

My Heart Is Cracked

2006-01-26T21:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not blogging lately. I was ill---then I came back to a shit-load of work.

HOWEVER, Today I thought I would check my email for photos for the Blogger Beauty Contest. I was not disappointed in the quality of pictures---but I only received a mere half dozen.

It made me think of all the beautiful bloggers who ignored my plea for pics. Rae-Ann with her bedroom eyes, Whistler with her sexy style, Rib with her girl next door beauty, Mel with her hard body, Jill with legs that stretch to heaven, Sam with her HNT, Rachel with her fiery look, and all the wonderful beautiful bloggers who have been shy up to this point. I sure would love to receive a photo from all of you. Don't make me beg Darlings.

So --If this doesn't work---well--er---I'll just copy and paste.

Ms. Blogger Beauty Contest Rules!!

2006-01-11T17:03:00.000-08:00

1. Send a picture along with the name of you and your blog address to <madmaniscrazy@hotmail.com> before 1/30/06.

2. The picture must be of you---but can it be from any age. Please give the year the picture was taken.

3. Complete nudity will not be posted---but Mr. G and I will look at it a few times. (no "Hustler" type shots please:)

4. A corny short bio is optional. Wishing for "World Peace" in it is always good!

5. All photos will be posted for 24 hours--voting for that contestant can continue throughout the contest in the archives.

6. Each comment posted is a vote. A positive or negative comment will be counted as a positive vote.

7. You can vote for as many contestants as you want--but only one vote per 24 hour period will be counted.

8. Covering the face partially to remain anonymous is acceptable.

9. No wagering please!

10. The winner will be crowned "Ms. Prettiest Blogger of 2006"--the tierra will be emailed.

GOOD LUCK! Tell all your friends!!! I will be out of town on business until 1/23/06.

The Secret Beauty Contest

2006-01-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

About 15 years ago I held a secret Beauty Contest at work. It was a secret for two reasons. 1. All the women in the company were automatically entered into the contest without their knowledge. 2. Only the men had a vote---though it was a secret ballet. I basically walked around with a cap and asked all the men to write who they thought was the prettiest woman (girl) that worked for the company and drop it in. We were just having a bit of fun.

After I counted and tallied the votes, I typed (my assistant actually typed) the results for the men to see--listing all 15 women and the amount of votes they were awarded. Old gay Pete couldn't help but sharing the shit with the rest of the Data Entry Dept. I was in trouble again!

Now the HR Girl had not received one vote---I think that is why I was reprimanded and called a misogynist. Which is not true---I love women. If I didn't make the company a butt-load of money--I think the brass might have gotten mad too. They just laughed silently.

I mention this for a reason. Would anyone think I was a misogynist, or an asshole, if I had a Blogger Beauty Contest. There are a lot of pretty Bloggers out there. I would paste a different photo of these pretty things, er-girls, on my blog--and each comment that day would count as a vote. Now I know some of you might not want to participate---but if I can copy your picture---then congratulations and thanks for entering...

Willie and the possum

2006-01-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

Cletus, our new warehouse manager, stood at my office door and said, "We got a problem in the receiving department, we can't unload a truck!"

"Why?"

"Cause there's a possum in the truck and Jeff (the forklift driver) says he ain't going back in the truck until its gone."

I had to see this. When I got to the warehouse a half-a-dozen workers were peering out of a dock door into a half unloaded truck of sheet metal. They all look frightened. I took the flashlight from Tiny and entered the vehicle. All eyes were upon me. Two rows of pallets lined the truck, with only a small aisle space between them. I squeezed my fat body in between the skids and scooted slowly towards the back.

Now the only thing I knew about possums is that Granny of the Beverly Hill-Billies would cook them. If that old-lady wasn't afraid neither was I---until my light hit the trapped animal. Its eyes were red and it exposed its teeth as it reared up on its back legs and made a sound that scared the shit out of me. I couldn't get out of the trailer fast enough. The men looked at me like I let them down.

"Sometimes those possums have rabies" I explained, "Where's Willie?!"

The men reverberatted in agreement. We needed Willie. Willie is a 64 year-old black man who "ain't afraid of nothing". He weighs about 140 and is about 6 foot three---but Willie has been to Vietnam! He also likes to tell the story about how when he was a 17 year-old Cowboy in East Texas---during spring round-up one year he bit a calves nuts off --"just 'cause!"

Willie walked up looking a bit nervous----but his reputation was on the line. If he turned down this mission he would be branded as a coward ---and most likely be forced to take an early retirement. Willie entered the trailer with a flashlight and a 1" diameter steel rod about six foot long.

The banging and hissing went on far too long. It was awful. Willie let out a few cuss words and I almost called 911. Then silence. Willie walked out with a possum on a stick. He triumphantly marched his prey to the dumpster. The men followed in a parade and cheered!

I bought Willie a Diet Coke and gave him an extra 15 minute break. Willie will be employee of the month and get to park right up front beside me. Willie is now a living legend. Way to go Willie!

An Act of terrorism

2006-01-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

In 1946 the British occupied Palestine in order to try to keep Peace. There were Jewish "freedom fighters" who wanted those folks out of town so they could pursue forming a state of Israel. Menahem Begin and others blew up the King David Hotel-- killing 91 people, including some British Officers along with many innocent civilians. The terrorism worked---the British cleared out of the country and Israel was soon formed.

Most scholars agree modern terrorism was born that day---targeting civilians and non-military targets on a small scale to win a political view. In latter years the PLO used this same pattern for their "freedom fighting." However, most Israelites and Americans refuse to acknowledge the connection.

Until all terrorism is condemned--past and present---then terrorism will continue to be used as a tool to achieve political goals. I want to see peace in that region---but both sides need to look truthfully at the terrors commited---and condemn those who still want to perpetuate this war. Both sides need a country where they can live securely---it won't happen until both sides admit their own contribution to terror.

Now--For the Rest of the Story About Pat!

2006-01-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

In the summer of 1975 I was a 19 year-old, long-haired, dope smoking, redneck who lived in a small Texas town with a population of about 5000. We had 17 Baptist churches in our community, and one Wednesday night they shut their doors to its citizens.All the pastors told their congregations to meet at the High School Stadium to hear Pat Robertson speak on the Glories of God. He had traveled all the way from Dallas (45 miles) to bless our small town---and I'm sure a collection plate was also passed.

I chose to spend that evening playing billiards. About 11 pm that night I noticed two 17 year-old girls walking into the pool hall. I had seen these two young ladies around before---but I had always, until that night, failed to notice how firm and perky their breasts had developed. The two went from table to table trying to engage a sinner or two into conversation--they were rebuked.

They finally made it to my table and asked, "Have you been saved?"

I smiled and replied, "Saved from what Darling?"

She gushed.

It turned out that these two, from the wrong side of the tracks, had surrendered their lives into Christs hands just that night on the 50 yard-line. Old Pat had told them to go and "spread the good news!" They wandered into the den of inequity to do their spreading---and I think everyone knows what I wanted to spread that night!

After about an hour of me telling them what a lost soul I was---we were kicked out of the pool hall. Closing time. We relocated to the all-night Laundromat next door and continued to try and spread. Then I was surprised---one of the girls went and made a call on the pay-phone. I assumed she was calling parents or a boyfriend, but ten-minutes latter Pat Robertson and Dr. Bill Shipper came walking in. Dr. Shipper was a local preacher, who along with a Houston TV reporter, helped shut down a Whore House in La Grange Texas before I ever had a chance to visit it. I knew I hated him.

Now-- I have been spoon-fed the bible since I was in the womb--so I knew the scriptures and all of its contradictions. I had these two Texas leaches working for their money that night. They wanted me in their cult. They wanted me to surrender all my free will--THEY FUCKING SAID SO ALOUD!

About 2 am the conversation ended. This is how it went:

ME: (in a pitiful voice)"I'm confused. My parents are both religious. They want me to do whatever they say, and just believe what they do! I just can't believe things just because my parents say it's so---should I?"

PAT: (In a comforting Texas twang) "Son---you are confused for a reason! One of the commandments says honor thy Mother and Father. If you don't honor them---things get confusing. The reason for that is your Mom and Dad wouldn't steer you wrong. If you listen to them---and accept Christ as your personal savior---you would have such a wonderful experience in your life. Son--it is God's will for you to honor thy Mother and Father!"

ME: "That's the problem sir---my parents practice the religion of black-magic. If it was up to them--I would be eating your heart, with a silver fork, out in the alley-way right about now."

Pat looked at me for a long period. It finally dawned on him that I had been fucking with him all night. He said, "Son--your soul is in great peril."

He left to divide the booty he earned from the God Show performance earlier that evening.

Ariel Sharon and I

2006-01-06T05:56:00.000-08:00

I won't bore you with the long funny story of how it happened---but in 1975 Pat Robertson (The Tele-evangelist) and I were in an All Night Laundromat debating theology at 2 a.m. He was surprised of how well versed I was with scripture. It was a lively debate that ended with him telling me that God would punish me--- and most likely would send me to hell. Most of my conversations with the pulpit seem to end that way.

I laughed as Pat and his buddy left without "saving" the heathen. I am sure he needed that 10% of my income he asks all his followers for (That's 10% of the gross--not the net--Pat explained this to me).

So yesterday when I saw that Pat said that Ariel Sharon was being punished by God for trying to make peace in the middle-east by "giving away God's land"---I was proud. Ariel Sharon and I have both been voo-doo cursed by the biggest, and most dangerous, fool I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Ariel Sharon had a stroke because he loved to eat. Jesus preached peace and love----so why is old Pat still preaching hate and ignorance. I guess he didn't hear me that night in the Laundromat.

I ain't takin them shots no MORE!

2005-12-27T08:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the time away from blog land. Those shots shot my blood sugar into some dangerous levels. I am now taking insulin shots before each meal. I am OK now--but someone shoulda told me the steroid epidurals could have an adverse affect on a diabetic. I now hate Doctors along with Lawyers, thieves, and priests. HO-HUM.

I need help. I want to make some New Years resolutions for our congress. This is all I have.

1. Anytime they pass themselves a pay raise--they also will be required to raise minimum wage. If the working poor don't need a raise...

2. Anytime troops are put into harms way---a member of their family should accompany the troops. If my nephew and a fellow blogger can be at risk...

3. As long as our Congress has affordable health... care then any WORKING American should have affordable health care... Are only their kids important enough to keep healthy?

4. When they pass out freebies to able bodied lazy fucks---make those lazy assholes clean some toilets in the roadside parks.

5. When Congress passes confusing legislation like the Medicare "DRUG PLAN" ...make Senators and Congressmen answer the phones explaining the garbage and BS they wrote to women like my 82 year-old Mother! What the fuck were they thinking?????

Sorry--I'm old and tired

2005-12-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

We didn't go to the dancing girl place---we went to a place called "Shula's".I didn't see him and his chicken breast was dry. I did get my ass chewed for not making enough sales calls during 2005--even though my numbers were up by 33%.

I started writing a three act play on the plane ride home. I guess in the hopes it can be a hit---so I won't have to worry about closing deals. I started laughing so hard at the first few pages---I have worked on it every night sense.

SO---sorry for not blogging--Sorry for plagiarising some of your remarks that I did remember. The play is called "The Disgusting Girl." It will probably never be on stage--but I'm having fucking fun putting it on paper.

Florida Road Trip

2005-12-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

Once a year I am required to spend four days in Florida. I have done this every year for the last nine years. It is the strangest place. I am an over-weight, middle-age, mid-management, mid-income type of guy. During the Management meeting I have a chair against the wall, and watch the upper-management discuss what I am supposed to do during the upcoming year. I am never asked to speak--nor am I spoken to, unless they need a quick sales data check. There is no one below me in that conference room until the girl brings in the lunch.

So--I am always amazed at the way I am treated at the parties and restaurants we attend. In Lauderdale a man is what he does and a woman is what she looks like--and because I arrive to one particular restaurant in a limo, that I couldn't even afford the insurance on, I am treated like I do very well. After the seven course meals are over---the lights go way down, and the beautiful young girls, all looking like Hilton sisters, stand on the restaurant's tables and dance. The old men, me included, admire the young healthy legs of the smiling sirens. I can never remember the name of this restaurant---but it always amazes me.

I will be back in Texas Monday.

Methadone

2005-12-04T01:15:00.000-08:00

The United States Government pays for the Methadone for about 200,000 heroin junkies in order for them not to go through "Cold Turkey." The majority of these people also receive some kind of welfare assistance in order to have means to live on. A substantial proportion of these assholes take a xanax along with the Methadone. The combination of these two drugs has almost the same affect as heroin. So in essence, the United States Government is paying these fuck-ups to sit around and get high. That is their job.

I say make these people with the self inflicted illness pick up trash or mow lawns for their meth. After a day of working the Government could pay them with a sandwich and a daily fix of methadone. If they do a good job all week they could also get a xanax every Friday. If they don't like it---let them go through COLD TURKEY WITHDRAWALS! If we are going to pay people to be junkies---we should get clean streets out of the fucking deal.

Damn! That was strange.

2005-12-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

I went to a surgical center to get a quick epidural shot---I thought. These fuckers pulled off ALL my clothes---put in an IV in a vein in my hand, then knocked me completely fucking out for about an hour. I woke up in recovery higher than hell. My wife drove me home as I giggled and rambled. I fell asleep for six hours and woke up in some sort of a foggy hangover. I am supposed to bed rest for the next two days and not be sitting or lifting. Nobody told me all this shit was going to happen. I actually thought I could get a 1/2 days work in. I have to do it all again in 2 weeks, and then every 6 to 8 weeks afterwards. FUN STUFF. Someone should have told me! Oh--the valium wore off during the long nap---what a rip.

I better get back to resting. I will read all the bloggs Monday.

Campaign Slow Down

2005-12-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks for not blogging. In the tradition of Kennedy I am having back trouble and cannot sit at the computer long. I had an MRI Monday and I'm getting some kind of combination shot of cortisone and an epidural (SPELLING?) on Friday. They tell me I should be good to go in a few days. I get a valium before the procedure! YIPEE!!!

Give Me A Tax Break

2005-11-27T19:11:00.000-08:00

I used to work for H&R Block. We would have to attend school every year to find out how much more fucked up the tax laws became. I don't know how it got so damn complicated, but the madness must stop! American's shouldn't need a computer and a $40.00 program to pay the IRS more money.

A high school graduate should be able to do his or hers taxes with a calulator and pen. That should be the litmus test for the new tax code.

However, the ones who seem to find the loop-holes are the richest and poorest. As a tax-preparer I have seen two grown people with the same address, two incomes, and two children file separate returns, each claiming a child so they could get more earned income tax credit. For those of you who may not know--Earned Income Tax Credit is a way for folks to get more of a refund then they paid in. A refund is supposed to mean "amount overpaid." Yet people like this could easily pay in ZERO and walk away with a two or three thousand dollar refund by saying they were single parents supporting one child each with a household income of $18,000.00 instead of being a married couple, with two kids, making $36,000.00 a year.

The working folks of America need a tax code that will reward and encourage working. The current code is great if you are a trust fund baby or a person looking for UN-EARNED INCOME. We need a change from the two party system in 2008.

I Need Some Affirmative Action.

2005-11-25T23:08:00.000-08:00

An Hispanic Drinking buddy of mine just made Captain of the Fire Department. He told me there were three spots available---and he scored sixth overall on the exam. The force needed more minority Captains, so he was given one of the positions. The white guys filed a grievance, and the city may add more positions in order to avoid litigation.

I am not a racist, but I do not get the concept of affirmative action. My wife and I have friends that span the racial spectrum, and I have debated them all when it comes to this issue. However, I now see a chance for affirmative action to help me.

When I was in High School I did not have the ability to make the starting line-up on the varsity football team. I recently read there has not been a "starting" white running back in the NFL for over 20 years. That just doesn't seem right. The NFL , like the Fire Department, should more reflect the make-up of the general population. To avoid a law suit I will even take the second string job--if I am given close to the same pay as the starting running back.

When I ran this idea buy my friend, The Fire Captain, he replied, "There is no comparison, that job should be based on talent alone and nothing else."

HMMMMMMMMM!

This Will Piss Somebody Off

2005-11-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last week trying to engage people into some form of debate. So--I spent the day on the phone talking to over 100,000 people (plus or minus 2%) who want to have abortion completely banned. I was amazed at the reasons they gave me for wanting all pregnancies to go to full term----no matter what the circumstance.
Following are the top ten reasons for keeping the unwanted children a rolling out of those loose vaginas:

10. America needs a continuous supply of home-grown cheap labor.

9. Not enough girls have the title of "My Babies Momma."

8. Hey--a lot of money can be made off the re-sale of infants!

7. Priests need a constant supply of poor, but virtuous, Alter Boys.

6. Someone has to live in all those prisons we built.

5. Never-Land always needs re-stocking.

4. Them little Irish-Catholic Babies always look so cute--until they grow up and become drunken bastards.

3. Those towel-head immigrant terrorists always need a new source of food stamps for their convenience stores.

2. Our snotty middle-class kids need to have someone to look down upon in Junior-High.

And the number One reason these 100,000 people want 15 year-old frightened girls to become irresponsible teenaged Mothers:

1. Most of these folks just down-right admitted that their own private personal religious views just simply out-weighed any form of freedom or fairness Row vs. Wade offered women.

A Sappy Turkey Day Memory

2005-11-23T19:34:00.000-08:00

This will be one of those sappy Thanksgiving posts. Two weeks after graduating from high school I thought my world a bit discombobulated. Personal relationships had not gone as planned--and I wanted more than just a summer off. I told my parents I was going to hitchhike around to "discover" the country. My Mom went nuts--she became emotional and offered to drive me anywhere I wanted to go! Yep--that was going to happen.

The next morning I stuck out my thumb and left the comforts of my home with only $84.00 in my pocket. I made it to Houston and found the cheapest Motel room I could find near the port. The rate was $30.00 a week or $100.00 a month with all bills paid. I got drunk that night (drinking age was 18 then in Texas) and blew a lot of the money. I knew I needed more money and found a job a few days latter in a nearby metals warehouse packing goods for export. I wish I could say different, but I spent the next six months living in that dump, and working the minimum wage job. I called home only twice due to my embarrassment, even though I knew my mother was extremely worried. The only things I "discovered" for the first time were loneliness and hunger. I wanted to go home--but I didn't want to look foolish or defeated.

I waited until the night before Thanksgiving to hitchhike back to Fort Worth. I slept at a friends home that night, so I could make my entrance around meal time on the Holiday. I was worried that my parents wouldn't ask me to move back in. My Mother was overcome with emotion when I walked through that door-- and I was treated like a King by all. I was never asked to move back in---it was just immediately assumed by all that I was home where I belonged. They say it is good to be King--but I know it is better to have a family and to be loved.

Happy Holidays Everyone----I would enjoy hearing any Turkey Day stories you have!

Oh--and my Nephew received orders--he is now safe in Kuwait, and will be home from Iraq before Christmas. He will immediately go on leave--and then be a civilian again. When I heard this news it made me start thinking of all the great Thanksgivings I have had. This will be another of those.

Pussy, Pot, and Poker

2005-11-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

I didn't intend to be crass with the title of this post--er--well--yes I did. However, I suggested yesterday that Medicare should be expanded to include the most helpless in our society --our children. I think health care for the under-age is a right and not a privilege. I truly believe that it is immoral to deny 25% of our children this right. It is the worst form of discrimination that still exists in today's society. It happens because the little ones have no voice. To continue to keep doing nothing about this atrocity is an abomination.

Many think that funding roads, dams, public works, and even space exploration are more important than funding the health of our children. Those people might want to reevaluate this countries priorities. However, we should be able to keep all of these fore-mentioned programs, and still regain a balanced budget.

We need to completely legalize gambling, drugs, and prostitution. These vices have existed in the American society well before Jefferson was banging his slave girl at Monticello. Vices will never be legislated out of existence. If these industries are combined and taxed, the generated revenue could be the greatest tax windfall Americans have ever seen. America could put a 100% tax on sex and drugs--and men would still find a way to pay for the crack and crack (sorry). We need a little piece of that action. This would also free up the funds that are used to keep the druggies in prison.

Now I know that the far right is going to cry and whine because they have personal religious beliefs against these kind of things---well FUCK THAT. We can save, or extend, the lives of our children for God's Sakes, and still balance the budget. Richard Nixon declared "WAR" on drugs in the early 70's. How's that been working for us? Prostitution and illegal drug use ain't going away folks. Instead of our money leaving on a banana boat--let us help some kids with those funds.

I know I would go to any extent to save the lives of my children or grand-children. I would be a self-righteous hypocrite if I would deny medical care to the children of the working poor because I did not want to tax some un-stoppable vices that I didn't agree with.

If not this soloution---we need another plan people. The present course should not continue. Our Drug CZAR should be collecting tarriffs and finding better ways to compete with the imports--not fighting a battle already lost.

My Assistant Is Leaving

2005-11-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

My Assistant has been promoted into sales. I have never written poetry before--but in her honor I will make an attempt.

My Assistant Is Leaving
by Madman

It's ten minutes after eight,
can't this conversation wait ?
you know I take my coffee black,
we can talk when you bring it back.

Now I hate it when you complain,
you know it drives me fucking insane.
Just because I playfully pinch your tit ,
doesn't mean I don't give a shit !

You act like I never care ,
don't I advise you on what to wear?
You know I can hardly tell you no,
I gave you a raise just four years ago.

And you know how I am always fair,
and I always make sure you get your share.
When you complained about the men getting 25 percent more pay,
Didn't I start letting you work overtime on Saturday?

Now PLEASE make me understand,
are you on your period again?
Lets pretend that nothing here was said,
and please don't worry that pretty little head.

Now--go and get me another cup of Joe,
and then come and explain to me why you got to go!

Medicare for Kids

2005-11-22T00:16:00.000-08:00

Back in the 60's Richard Nixon suggested that Medicare be expanded to cover children and eventually cover us all. The people who lobbied against this idea were Doctors and Blue Cross Blue Shield. SURPRISE!!! These are the same Doctors who 90% of them finished college and medical school on Government Grants or Government loans---then they interned at Hospitals that run largely on Government Grants, taxes, or charitable donations. It is greedy assholes like these that give the far left ammunition for the Government having complete control of the medical industry.

I suggest a compassionate compromise by expanding Medicare to cover all Children under the age of 18. We should not penalize kids because their parents are too drunk, lazy, selfish, or poor to provide medical help for their offspring. Medicare was set up to protect the most vulnerable in our society. The kids now fall within those parameters--even more than the elderly.

I live by an elementary School. Every morning I witness seniors jogging by as the fat little porkers, we call kids, are dropped at the front door eating EGG McFattins and drinking buckets of chocolate milk. These kids are going to need transplants and belly removals before the eighth grade.

I repeat--it is not these kids fault they may be uninsured. If we can spend billions on flying robots, that play like video games, that actually kill diaper-heads on camels---we should be able to find the funds to assure medical care for our most precious commodity----our fat piglet CHILDREN. It is immoral to keep denying them insurance!

If my opposition disagrees----I will spread the rumor that both the democrats and republicans hate children. If you like kids---vote for Madman!

this ad approved by the committee to elect Madman.

I Am Perplexed

2005-11-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

I have voted for both democrats and republicans in the past. I am frustrated because I feel so disenfranchised with the political system. When Collin Powell sat in front of the UN and stated we were 100% certain there were WMD's in Iraq---I was all for attacking. I have kids and grandchildren who I want to see grown. I did not think we should live under that kind of threat.

Now I am having substantial doubts if we should still be there. The WMD's never surfaced, and the Madman who tortured and killed his people is under lock and key. What more can we do? Like Vietnam---when we leave they will determine their own fate.

I feel somewhat guilty for this post. I have a nephew who is in Iraq risking his life for a cause he believes in. He has already lost two friends during the last year. I told him I still support the troops but not the cause.

He replied, "If you support the troops Uncle Randy---you need to be behind what we are fighting for."

I am certain of only two things. I am proud of the courage my nephew and the other soldiers have shown during these troubled times, but I would rather my 22 year-old nephew be sitting around the family table this Thanksgiving than to be at war. I want him home.

VP qualifications

2005-11-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

Shannon is at the tiop of the short list for VP--but I have certain criteria for that job.

1. Can never have worked at Haliburton. It looks bad if the best friends of a VP are making billions off of bodies of American Boys! Cheney still gets $150,000.00 a year from that company for deffered help---that used to be called a bribe!

2. Has to have a heart----The current VP's heart doesn't function on any level.

3. Has to know how to play five card stud with nothing wild and Jacks or better to open. I love poker---and I need a VP who I can bluff.

4. Has to be good with names----Face it--I'm on vicodin and my memory sucks. I don't want to get into trouble for calling the Chinnese Ambassador "One Hung Low' or something.

5. Must be able to go to funerals----hell --that is a tradition I won't screw with.

Sexretary Of State

2005-11-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

R has volunteered to be my Secretary of State. I need to make sure she has the ability to say "Fuck You!"

EXAMPLE: If I spend the whole day dogging my wife about her lavish lifestyle and her paying only the minimum payments on her maxed out credit cards---then when I have the nerve to suggest sex that same night, I know I will get a loud "FUCK YOU!"

The problem is my Wife is the only one in our relationship who has the pussy. The analogy here is that America is the only country in the world that has the wealth of a super-power nation. So when countries like France or some other third world backward country comes around begging us to help with a natural disaster or civil war---R will need to read the recent press clippings about that countries attitude. If they aren't sweet and nice about our actions and wasteful ways, then they get no pussy--er--foreign aide.

So I need some good "Fuck You" s posted on the comment field before I can pass R through the confirmation hearings. OH--and a link that says "Madman For President" couldn't hurt.

I am leaving town for the weekend. I will read your blogs Sunday and will address the VP issue. Have a Happy Weekend All!

Kennedy And I

2005-11-18T00:14:00.000-08:00

Mr-G commented that John F Kennedy had class. Well--Kennedy and I have a lot in common. He had to take the following meds just to function; lomotil, percadan, amphetamine, prednizone, morphine, and some anti-inflammatory drugs. Hell --I took all of those and more just this morning. So--I think if being a prescription drug addict is a prerequisite to running this country--I am your man! Unlike Kennedy I won't be taking any convertible rides in Dallas.

I make the following promises if I am elected---I won't blow up the world and I won't use any spin doctors! I will tell it like it is. Now I know the election is several years out---but I checked the polls and my recognition factor is lagging far behind the Bush. I need to get started now.

So I am asking for three things from the Blog Party. 1. Spread the word that Madman is running for President. 2. Please send me any extra drugs -er meds- you may have in your bathroom. 3. Let me know what issues concern you---I will address each and everyone one of you.

Oh--when I win I will need help moving into the White House. I have a bad back--but I will buy the beer.

MADMAN FOR PRESIDENT! er--my drug dealer came up with that slogan---feel free to spread it around.

Slick Willie

2005-11-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

A fellow blogger mentioned Billy Boy Clinton. Now I will be the first to admit that our economic stability seemed a bit better off with President Clinton. I do not even hold the fact that he lied and had his little Willie sucked, while in office, against him. HOWEVER--after hearing all the Monica-Gate testimony I have decided he should be remembered as a selfish bastard.

I heard about stains on the sweater--so I know Billy got his gratification, but what about poor old Monica. There was no testimony about him ever going down on her. They both testified no penetration ever took place. Even when she was begging for it---HE USED A GOD DAMN CIGAR! Hey--that could cause some kind of feminine cancer. This tells me that the Prez wouldn't , or couldn't, give the Polock what she needed. Even Fat Girls need to be fucked now and then!. I cannot abide with a man like that having a library named after him--even if it is in Arkansas!

Hot Button

2005-11-16T04:57:00.000-08:00

Abortion seems to be an issue that everyone has a opinion on.

SO---To you far right assholes---you seem to be the ones who spend time, money, and energy making sure babies jump out of vaginas like clowns jump out of little cars! Yet--you also seem to be the same ones who want to cut the needed funds to make sure these little bastards don't have a nice modern prison to live in! You also are the first to say the death penalty is a great deterrent to crime! So if you want to stand in a protest line crying to save these little fetus thugs---then adopt one. When they grow up and kill your family---we will detour them from doing it again with a lethal injection! If that doesn't work for you--then shut the fuck up and let these horny women have the right to kill their own kids if they need to. Mother knows best!

To you far left assholes who think the government should pay for abortions----you need to spend a dollar on a condom, or hand out coat hangers to those women who don't want to take responsibility for spreading their own legs after a night of drinking cheap wine and tooting meth! It is not the governments fault you didn't put a raincoat on the penis you allowed stuck up in your body!

If you want the right to kill a mistake---then pay for that right with your money and your guilt. Don't look elsewhere for help!

A Change Is Coming

2005-11-15T19:19:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if anyone will ever read my blog again! Due to recent events in my life I have changed the title and intentions of this blog. As a Sales Manager I am trained not to discuss religion, politics, or anything that may offend. I have decided that life is to short to always be diplomatic--SO FUCK IT! This will now be one place in my short life I will say whatever the fuck I want to say. If you don't like what I write---post a God-Damn comment and tell me about it!

Let me start by saying I hate the far left and the far right. If you fall in either of these categories you are fucking lopsided fool, and someone needs to kick your head back into a reasonable balance!