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Friday, June 30, 2006

 

She Won't Leave Me Alone

My Ex-Assistant does not like the way our new girl dresses. The dress code says nothing about exposed cleavage. It says "no un-professional or inappropriate dress."

Does anyone consider big cleavage wrong on an office???
It doesn't bother me or my manager.

 

Barbara

I was thirteen when my father made me go to the Fourth of July company picnic. I stopped liking to be with my parents a few years earlier. I have no idea why.

It was evening and everyone was waiting for the fireworks. I wandered down to the Trinity River---just to be alone. Barbara--who was also 13, must have had the same idea. She found me whittling a small stick and she sat beside me. I had known Barbara for years. We were friends. The minute she sat beside me I knew something was different between us. She had makeup and a brassiere on.

She was teasing me and I was teasing her when I dropped the small stick I had been whittling. Barbara picked it up and put it in her bra. I told her if she didn't give it back I would take it.

She dropped her hands to her side and said, " Go ahead."

A rush of overwhelming heat engulfed my entire body. I awkwardly slid my hand into her blouse, ignoring the stick, and held her small breast. We stayed in that stance for a few minutes. Then we both walked away silently. She was blushing radiantly--and I couldn't hide my excitement.

It was strange to get to second base before attempting first base. We became acquaintances instead of friends after that. My friends would have busted my chops for not going for the home run. I told no one until now.

Barbara died of breast cancer a few years back. I think of her once a year.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

 

The Cold War Is Over

My neighbor died last month and it threw me into a funk.

Six years ago I woke at dawn to the sound of cracking glass. I had fallen asleep in the Living Room--- or I might not have heard it at all. I walked to the door and noticed a hole about the size of a BB in my patio glass door. The cracks looked like rivers on a map that were still growing. About a 150 feet directly out the door I noticed my 70 year-old friend and neighbor mulling around on his deck. I stepped outside the door and met him at the fence, as we had done many times before. It would be the last time this ritual would happen.

I told him of the occurrence. The old man speculated it must have been the teenagers next door. They had a rock and roll band. I felt he knew something more. I could see it in his old eyes.

My wife had been telling me that she had been finding dead birds , and the squirrels hadn't been coming around. She regularly put out feed and seeds for both. I decided to do some intelligence work.

I arose early the next morning. I was careful not to turn on the lights or walk near any windows. I covertly stared out my back door for almost twenty minutes. The only substanace I had was a cup of coffee. Then it happened. I saw the barrel of a rifle poke out of my neighbors back door. I could see my friend taking aim at a squirrel who was nearing his tomato garden. POP! The small animal was wounded by a BB and ran off in pain.

I hurried onto my patio and angrily stared my new nemesis down. I saw terror in his eyes as he backed into his house. It was on!

I did the only thing I could do. I bought a pellet gun. I had to retaliate. The only thing he had passion for was his prized tomatoes---which just happened to grow beside our adjacent chain link fence.

The next morning I killed three of his largest tomatoes. I pumped up the air rifle to the point where the red ripe vegetables were not even fit for a salad. I had hoped he had gotten the message. He hadn't.

Dozens of times each spring I caught him taking pot shots at the animals. Each time I in turn spilled the blood of his innocent plants. A couple of times he tried to put up barriers or shields----but I only sneaked down to my storage shed and flanked the red round targets with sniper fire. I was relentless.

Last month my foe died of complications from both diabetes and ulcerative colitis---diseases we shared. It threw me into a funk. I wondered why I was so upset---was it guilt? Would I miss him? NO .

Spring will not be the same. There are only a few things I look forward to in my life. One being the start of football season and another is Easter on the beach with my family. I also looked forward to seeing those green tomatoes growing into great big casualties of war.

You will be in my thoughts neighbor. You were an excellent nemesis.

 

The Flag Amendment

Now it's not that I don't love the flag---but aren't there more important things to do? This administration is so worried about fags bumping dick heads and commie radicals burning flags--they aren't working on the real problems-- like the price of gas, global warming, health care cost, prescription drugs, THE KOREANS, 11 million illegal aliens, AMERICAN OBESITY, keeping drugs like viox off the market, lobbyist bribing congress, securing Social Security and Medicare, and having an exit strategy fron Iraq!


After fixing these problems---then by all means, pass the fuckin 28th amendment if it floats your boat!

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