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Friday, April 28, 2006


Give Me Some Advice---Please!

Sorry for my absence. I have been rather ill. You see-----I have some chronic illnesses. I have been wallowing in self-pity today. I know I shouldn’t----but WTF. I should be happy that I am not terminally ill and just chronically ill. Sometimes I think at least the terminal patients know an end to their pain is in sight. I may sound like I am looking for pity----maybe I am. However, I am asking for advice tonight. Here is my dilemma:
Following are the meds I take daily:

1 injection of slow insulin at night to keep my sugar down
3 injections of insulin --one before each meal
4 injections of some bullshit that is supposed to help my body produce more insulin
1 pill to keep my blood pressure down
1 pill to keep my cholesterol down
1 pill to keep my blood thin
9 pills to keep the ulcerative colitis sores in my colon from bleeding
1 pill to keep me from shitting myself
1 pill to keep me from pissing myself
1 steroid pill to keep me strong
4 vicodins to keep the pain in my back from making me scream
2 pills to keep the neuropathy at bay---just so my feet won’t feel like they are in a vice
1 pill to keep me from drowning in my own stomach acid (which almost happened twice)
1 suppository to enable me to hold down the pills—without it the nausea is unreal

I have a primary care doctor, a gastoroligist, a cardiologist, a pulmonary specialist, an endocrinologist, an urineoligist, an orthopedic specialist, an optometrist, and a dentist who all fight over my money each month. I use two thirds of my month of vacation time seeing these folks. They all want to see me anywhere from one to four times a year. My co-pay is $25.00 on doctor visits and $40.00 on generic prescriptions and $80.00 on non-generic. I can’t go to the drive-in-widow—the meds won’t fit. The pharmacist acts like I’m a meth user when I pick up 300 syringes a month.

I have to pay 20% of each procedure----which there are many.
Over the last three years I have had cameras up my ass and down my throat. I have been cat scanned, MRIed, and had barium squirted up my ass. I have been injected with radioactive iodine. I have been forced to drink chalk and put on a table that literally shook me so my stomach would be coated. I have had my balls fondled and countless doctors have molested me by sticking their greased fingers up my ass.

I have constant severe cramps and the shits. The prednisone makes me eat like a pig while the doctors tell me the extra weight is killing me. My back, my feet, and my legs are in constant pain. I am getting worse----not better.

Monday I was told I was pissing blood. Now they want to stick a tiny camera up the hole in my penis so they can look at my bladder. They will give me a local----but they won’t sedate me. My insurance doesn’t think it necessary.

My question is, when is enough -----------enough? When it is more dignified and humane to stop with the meds and just let nature take its course?

I know there are patients far worse off than I. I am able to work and able to enjoy moments of life. SO----I will take the test. I will suffer the humiliation of wearing the backless gown and having the nurses and the doctor torture my poor penis. I just don’t know how much more of this shit I will choose to endure.

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