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Friday, January 06, 2006

 

Now--For the Rest of the Story About Pat!

In the summer of 1975 I was a 19 year-old, long-haired, dope smoking, redneck who lived in a small Texas town with a population of about 5000. We had 17 Baptist churches in our community, and one Wednesday night they shut their doors to its citizens.All the pastors told their congregations to meet at the High School Stadium to hear Pat Robertson speak on the Glories of God. He had traveled all the way from Dallas (45 miles) to bless our small town---and I'm sure a collection plate was also passed.

I chose to spend that evening playing billiards. About 11 pm that night I noticed two 17 year-old girls walking into the pool hall. I had seen these two young ladies around before---but I had always, until that night, failed to notice how firm and perky their breasts had developed. The two went from table to table trying to engage a sinner or two into conversation--they were rebuked.

They finally made it to my table and asked, "Have you been saved?"

I smiled and replied, "Saved from what Darling?"

She gushed.

It turned out that these two, from the wrong side of the tracks, had surrendered their lives into Christs hands just that night on the 50 yard-line. Old Pat had told them to go and "spread the good news!" They wandered into the den of inequity to do their spreading---and I think everyone knows what I wanted to spread that night!

After about an hour of me telling them what a lost soul I was---we were kicked out of the pool hall. Closing time. We relocated to the all-night Laundromat next door and continued to try and spread. Then I was surprised---one of the girls went and made a call on the pay-phone. I assumed she was calling parents or a boyfriend, but ten-minutes latter Pat Robertson and Dr. Bill Shipper came walking in. Dr. Shipper was a local preacher, who along with a Houston TV reporter, helped shut down a Whore House in La Grange Texas before I ever had a chance to visit it. I knew I hated him.

Now-- I have been spoon-fed the bible since I was in the womb--so I knew the scriptures and all of its contradictions. I had these two Texas leaches working for their money that night. They wanted me in their cult. They wanted me to surrender all my free will--THEY FUCKING SAID SO ALOUD!

About 2 am the conversation ended. This is how it went:

ME: (in a pitiful voice)"I'm confused. My parents are both religious. They want me to do whatever they say, and just believe what they do! I just can't believe things just because my parents say it's so---should I?"

PAT: (In a comforting Texas twang) "Son---you are confused for a reason! One of the commandments says honor thy Mother and Father. If you don't honor them---things get confusing. The reason for that is your Mom and Dad wouldn't steer you wrong. If you listen to them---and accept Christ as your personal savior---you would have such a wonderful experience in your life. Son--it is God's will for you to honor thy Mother and Father!"

ME: "That's the problem sir---my parents practice the religion of black-magic. If it was up to them--I would be eating your heart, with a silver fork, out in the alley-way right about now."

Pat looked at me for a long period. It finally dawned on him that I had been fucking with him all night. He said, "Son--your soul is in great peril."

He left to divide the booty he earned from the God Show performance earlier that evening.

 

Ariel Sharon and I

I won't bore you with the long funny story of how it happened---but in 1975 Pat Robertson (The Tele-evangelist) and I were in an All Night Laundromat debating theology at 2 a.m. He was surprised of how well versed I was with scripture. It was a lively debate that ended with him telling me that God would punish me--- and most likely would send me to hell. Most of my conversations with the pulpit seem to end that way.

I laughed as Pat and his buddy left without "saving" the heathen. I am sure he needed that 10% of my income he asks all his followers for (That's 10% of the gross--not the net--Pat explained this to me).

So yesterday when I saw that Pat said that Ariel Sharon was being punished by God for trying to make peace in the middle-east by "giving away God's land"---I was proud. Ariel Sharon and I have both been voo-doo cursed by the biggest, and most dangerous, fool I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Ariel Sharon had a stroke because he loved to eat. Jesus preached peace and love----so why is old Pat still preaching hate and ignorance. I guess he didn't hear me that night in the Laundromat.

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