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Tuesday, June 27, 2006


The Cold War Is Over

My neighbor died last month and it threw me into a funk.

Six years ago I woke at dawn to the sound of cracking glass. I had fallen asleep in the Living Room--- or I might not have heard it at all. I walked to the door and noticed a hole about the size of a BB in my patio glass door. The cracks looked like rivers on a map that were still growing. About a 150 feet directly out the door I noticed my 70 year-old friend and neighbor mulling around on his deck. I stepped outside the door and met him at the fence, as we had done many times before. It would be the last time this ritual would happen.

I told him of the occurrence. The old man speculated it must have been the teenagers next door. They had a rock and roll band. I felt he knew something more. I could see it in his old eyes.

My wife had been telling me that she had been finding dead birds , and the squirrels hadn't been coming around. She regularly put out feed and seeds for both. I decided to do some intelligence work.

I arose early the next morning. I was careful not to turn on the lights or walk near any windows. I covertly stared out my back door for almost twenty minutes. The only substanace I had was a cup of coffee. Then it happened. I saw the barrel of a rifle poke out of my neighbors back door. I could see my friend taking aim at a squirrel who was nearing his tomato garden. POP! The small animal was wounded by a BB and ran off in pain.

I hurried onto my patio and angrily stared my new nemesis down. I saw terror in his eyes as he backed into his house. It was on!

I did the only thing I could do. I bought a pellet gun. I had to retaliate. The only thing he had passion for was his prized tomatoes---which just happened to grow beside our adjacent chain link fence.

The next morning I killed three of his largest tomatoes. I pumped up the air rifle to the point where the red ripe vegetables were not even fit for a salad. I had hoped he had gotten the message. He hadn't.

Dozens of times each spring I caught him taking pot shots at the animals. Each time I in turn spilled the blood of his innocent plants. A couple of times he tried to put up barriers or shields----but I only sneaked down to my storage shed and flanked the red round targets with sniper fire. I was relentless.

Last month my foe died of complications from both diabetes and ulcerative colitis---diseases we shared. It threw me into a funk. I wondered why I was so upset---was it guilt? Would I miss him? NO .

Spring will not be the same. There are only a few things I look forward to in my life. One being the start of football season and another is Easter on the beach with my family. I also looked forward to seeing those green tomatoes growing into great big casualties of war.

You will be in my thoughts neighbor. You were an excellent nemesis.

Glad to see you back, MM. Sorry about the nemesis. Worthy enemies are hard to find.
You have such a knack for making me laugh and cry at the came time! Great story... Old Man Hatfield and Madman McCoy!!
mm-i'm sorry to hear that...it had to really make you think about all kinds of stuff...
You're back! That made my morning!!!
Personally I would have shot one of his windows out first before heading to his prized plants....

That's just me though.
I know your pain.... One of my coworkers and I have an unholy battle going on at the moment, he throws bugs at me and kidnaps items from my desk, I put week old dead fish in his desk and wait for him to notice.
You are such a great story-teller! Glad you're back and out of your funk.
DAMN that sounds like fun!!
You have any other neighbors you can make WAR with?

Glad you're better.
Glad you're back!! Sorry to hear about your neighbour enemy! Atleast good times were had!
So nice to see you back. I can offer a diversion...Go Steelers?
So nice to see you back. I can offer a diversion...Go Steelers?
That is very sad.

Good to see your ass back!

You killed his tomatoes? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man, that is priceless, Mad. You have the mind of a genious, I swear!

I am rolling here.

I'm wondering, did you send tomatoe plants to the funeral?

OO OO. I soooo know what would cheer you up. Take a couple of tomatoe plants to his grave site. plant them. Then shoot the fruit.

Oh, this was a great story. I'm telling this one all weekend. You've made my day.
huggles sweets glad you are back
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