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Friday, November 25, 2005


I Need Some Affirmative Action.

An Hispanic Drinking buddy of mine just made Captain of the Fire Department. He told me there were three spots available---and he scored sixth overall on the exam. The force needed more minority Captains, so he was given one of the positions. The white guys filed a grievance, and the city may add more positions in order to avoid litigation.

I am not a racist, but I do not get the concept of affirmative action. My wife and I have friends that span the racial spectrum, and I have debated them all when it comes to this issue. However, I now see a chance for affirmative action to help me.

When I was in High School I did not have the ability to make the starting line-up on the varsity football team. I recently read there has not been a "starting" white running back in the NFL for over 20 years. That just doesn't seem right. The NFL , like the Fire Department, should more reflect the make-up of the general population. To avoid a law suit I will even take the second string job--if I am given close to the same pay as the starting running back.

When I ran this idea buy my friend, The Fire Captain, he replied, "There is no comparison, that job should be based on talent alone and nothing else."



This Will Piss Somebody Off

I have spent the last week trying to engage people into some form of debate. So--I spent the day on the phone talking to over 100,000 people (plus or minus 2%) who want to have abortion completely banned. I was amazed at the reasons they gave me for wanting all pregnancies to go to full term----no matter what the circumstance.
Following are the top ten reasons for keeping the unwanted children a rolling out of those loose vaginas:

10. America needs a continuous supply of home-grown cheap labor.

9. Not enough girls have the title of "My Babies Momma."

8. Hey--a lot of money can be made off the re-sale of infants!

7. Priests need a constant supply of poor, but virtuous, Alter Boys.

6. Someone has to live in all those prisons we built.

5. Never-Land always needs re-stocking.

4. Them little Irish-Catholic Babies always look so cute--until they grow up and become drunken bastards.

3. Those towel-head immigrant terrorists always need a new source of food stamps for their convenience stores.

2. Our snotty middle-class kids need to have someone to look down upon in Junior-High.

And the number One reason these 100,000 people want 15 year-old frightened girls to become irresponsible teenaged Mothers:

1. Most of these folks just down-right admitted that their own private personal religious views just simply out-weighed any form of freedom or fairness Row vs. Wade offered women.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


A Sappy Turkey Day Memory

This will be one of those sappy Thanksgiving posts. Two weeks after graduating from high school I thought my world a bit discombobulated. Personal relationships had not gone as planned--and I wanted more than just a summer off. I told my parents I was going to hitchhike around to "discover" the country. My Mom went nuts--she became emotional and offered to drive me anywhere I wanted to go! Yep--that was going to happen.

The next morning I stuck out my thumb and left the comforts of my home with only $84.00 in my pocket. I made it to Houston and found the cheapest Motel room I could find near the port. The rate was $30.00 a week or $100.00 a month with all bills paid. I got drunk that night (drinking age was 18 then in Texas) and blew a lot of the money. I knew I needed more money and found a job a few days latter in a nearby metals warehouse packing goods for export. I wish I could say different, but I spent the next six months living in that dump, and working the minimum wage job. I called home only twice due to my embarrassment, even though I knew my mother was extremely worried. The only things I "discovered" for the first time were loneliness and hunger. I wanted to go home--but I didn't want to look foolish or defeated.

I waited until the night before Thanksgiving to hitchhike back to Fort Worth. I slept at a friends home that night, so I could make my entrance around meal time on the Holiday. I was worried that my parents wouldn't ask me to move back in. My Mother was overcome with emotion when I walked through that door-- and I was treated like a King by all. I was never asked to move back in---it was just immediately assumed by all that I was home where I belonged. They say it is good to be King--but I know it is better to have a family and to be loved.

Happy Holidays Everyone----I would enjoy hearing any Turkey Day stories you have!

Oh--and my Nephew received orders--he is now safe in Kuwait, and will be home from Iraq before Christmas. He will immediately go on leave--and then be a civilian again. When I heard this news it made me start thinking of all the great Thanksgivings I have had. This will be another of those.


Pussy, Pot, and Poker

I didn't intend to be crass with the title of this post--er--well--yes I did. However, I suggested yesterday that Medicare should be expanded to include the most helpless in our society --our children. I think health care for the under-age is a right and not a privilege. I truly believe that it is immoral to deny 25% of our children this right. It is the worst form of discrimination that still exists in today's society. It happens because the little ones have no voice. To continue to keep doing nothing about this atrocity is an abomination.

Many think that funding roads, dams, public works, and even space exploration are more important than funding the health of our children. Those people might want to reevaluate this countries priorities. However, we should be able to keep all of these fore-mentioned programs, and still regain a balanced budget.

We need to completely legalize gambling, drugs, and prostitution. These vices have existed in the American society well before Jefferson was banging his slave girl at Monticello. Vices will never be legislated out of existence. If these industries are combined and taxed, the generated revenue could be the greatest tax windfall Americans have ever seen. America could put a 100% tax on sex and drugs--and men would still find a way to pay for the crack and crack (sorry). We need a little piece of that action. This would also free up the funds that are used to keep the druggies in prison.

Now I know that the far right is going to cry and whine because they have personal religious beliefs against these kind of things---well FUCK THAT. We can save, or extend, the lives of our children for God's Sakes, and still balance the budget. Richard Nixon declared "WAR" on drugs in the early 70's. How's that been working for us? Prostitution and illegal drug use ain't going away folks. Instead of our money leaving on a banana boat--let us help some kids with those funds.

I know I would go to any extent to save the lives of my children or grand-children. I would be a self-righteous hypocrite if I would deny medical care to the children of the working poor because I did not want to tax some un-stoppable vices that I didn't agree with.

If not this soloution---we need another plan people. The present course should not continue. Our Drug CZAR should be collecting tarriffs and finding better ways to compete with the imports--not fighting a battle already lost.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


My Assistant Is Leaving

My Assistant has been promoted into sales. I have never written poetry before--but in her honor I will make an attempt.

My Assistant Is Leaving
by Madman

It's ten minutes after eight,
can't this conversation wait ?
you know I take my coffee black,
we can talk when you bring it back.

Now I hate it when you complain,
you know it drives me fucking insane.
Just because I playfully pinch your tit ,
doesn't mean I don't give a shit !

You act like I never care ,
don't I advise you on what to wear?
You know I can hardly tell you no,
I gave you a raise just four years ago.

And you know how I am always fair,
and I always make sure you get your share.
When you complained about the men getting 25 percent more pay,
Didn't I start letting you work overtime on Saturday?

Now PLEASE make me understand,
are you on your period again?
Lets pretend that nothing here was said,
and please don't worry that pretty little head.

Now--go and get me another cup of Joe,
and then come and explain to me why you got to go!


Medicare for Kids

Back in the 60's Richard Nixon suggested that Medicare be expanded to cover children and eventually cover us all. The people who lobbied against this idea were Doctors and Blue Cross Blue Shield. SURPRISE!!! These are the same Doctors who 90% of them finished college and medical school on Government Grants or Government loans---then they interned at Hospitals that run largely on Government Grants, taxes, or charitable donations. It is greedy assholes like these that give the far left ammunition for the Government having complete control of the medical industry.

I suggest a compassionate compromise by expanding Medicare to cover all Children under the age of 18. We should not penalize kids because their parents are too drunk, lazy, selfish, or poor to provide medical help for their offspring. Medicare was set up to protect the most vulnerable in our society. The kids now fall within those parameters--even more than the elderly.

I live by an elementary School. Every morning I witness seniors jogging by as the fat little porkers, we call kids, are dropped at the front door eating EGG McFattins and drinking buckets of chocolate milk. These kids are going to need transplants and belly removals before the eighth grade.

I repeat--it is not these kids fault they may be uninsured. If we can spend billions on flying robots, that play like video games, that actually kill diaper-heads on camels---we should be able to find the funds to assure medical care for our most precious commodity----our fat piglet CHILDREN. It is immoral to keep denying them insurance!

If my opposition disagrees----I will spread the rumor that both the democrats and republicans hate children. If you like kids---vote for Madman!

this ad approved by the committee to elect Madman.

Monday, November 21, 2005


I Am Perplexed

I have voted for both democrats and republicans in the past. I am frustrated because I feel so disenfranchised with the political system. When Collin Powell sat in front of the UN and stated we were 100% certain there were WMD's in Iraq---I was all for attacking. I have kids and grandchildren who I want to see grown. I did not think we should live under that kind of threat.

Now I am having substantial doubts if we should still be there. The WMD's never surfaced, and the Madman who tortured and killed his people is under lock and key. What more can we do? Like Vietnam---when we leave they will determine their own fate.

I feel somewhat guilty for this post. I have a nephew who is in Iraq risking his life for a cause he believes in. He has already lost two friends during the last year. I told him I still support the troops but not the cause.

He replied, "If you support the troops Uncle Randy---you need to be behind what we are fighting for."

I am certain of only two things. I am proud of the courage my nephew and the other soldiers have shown during these troubled times, but I would rather my 22 year-old nephew be sitting around the family table this Thanksgiving than to be at war. I want him home.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


VP qualifications

Shannon is at the tiop of the short list for VP--but I have certain criteria for that job.

1. Can never have worked at Haliburton. It looks bad if the best friends of a VP are making billions off of bodies of American Boys! Cheney still gets $150,000.00 a year from that company for deffered help---that used to be called a bribe!

2. Has to have a heart----The current VP's heart doesn't function on any level.

3. Has to know how to play five card stud with nothing wild and Jacks or better to open. I love poker---and I need a VP who I can bluff.

4. Has to be good with names----Face it--I'm on vicodin and my memory sucks. I don't want to get into trouble for calling the Chinnese Ambassador "One Hung Low' or something.

5. Must be able to go to funerals----hell --that is a tradition I won't screw with.

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